I'm Just Me....

What I Have Learned - Take Forty-Four

2011-10-24T19:39:00.000-07:00

I have learned that you do not always get the people you think you want in your life, instead you get the people you need.

It has been almost a year since I have written publicly, at least in this forum. Not because I didn't have anything to share. I just didn't come here to write.

Quick review of my year - good times, bad times, happy times, sad times, trips, holidays, jobs, new things, old things, new people, old people, my past, my future, my here and now. Caught up - good.

I'm really in a bad place right now. I will keep those details to myself, except to make my 'I have learned' point. I've had changes, and heartbreak, sadness, and betrayal. It may be my biggest lesson in not having the people in your life that you think you may want. If those people were really that important to, and for, your life, you would never have to go looking for them, because they would be right by your side - for all time.

But then you have the people in your life you need. I am blessed with some of the most caring, selfless, kind friends imaginable. My best friend can listen for hours as I spill my heart, cry, yell. She knows the best balance between saying 'I understand', keeping silent, and playing the devil's advocate. She is always, I mean ALWAYS there for me. Sad part - she lives 1400 miles away.

Move closer to home - I have some of the most amazing people in my life here. I can call a certain friend, ask her what her weekend plans are, and her answer is always, "Would you like to join me?". I can go months without seeing or speaking to her, and if I call, her response is still the same. She is one of the most stunning people I know. Yet I think sometimes, it is lost on her. Because the most beautiful qualities about her, are those you can't see from the outside. She has literally changed my life by the outstretching of her hand towards me. I will be forever grateful she came into my life when she did.

One of the other amazing women in my life just radiates. One of the things I love most about her is her love for family. Over the years, I have seen her dedicate her time, her self, and her love to her family. Selflessly and completely. She has a Mother's Love, without yet being a Mother. I can sit and talk to her for hours, and walk away just feeling better, happier, brighter. She makes my heart smile.

I also have some wonderful online friends, who may not even realize how deeply they touch my life. A simple message sending hugs and special thoughts, a long conversation sharing stories and insight, prayers sent when things aren't going well. The few moments they take out of their day for me, will forever live in my heart.

There are not adequate words to express my appreciation to those who have touched my life. But I have come to realize I have been given these people because I NEED them. I didn't find them because I was looking, I didn't come across them by wanting them. They happened in my life, because my heart needed them.

And I am forever blessed....

What I Have Learned - Take Forty-Three

2010-12-08T22:41:00.000-08:00

I have learned that sometimes all you can do is say 'I tried'.

Oh the many ways I could continue this post. I giggle as I write this because normally my posts have hidden meanings, and emotional feelings, and sappy endings. I could probably tie this to some portion of my life to make it thoughtful and sentimental. Uncharacteristically of me though, this is only about my petty annoyance for the month.

Because it is late, and no one is probably reading this for the stupid details - I will make it a short story. My neighborhood HOA has been without a Social Committee for 9 months. Not for lack of volunteers, but more for lack of actually calling upon those who have continually volunteered - myself being one of them. After being called out at our annual meeting for this issue, the HOA comprised a list of all such volunteers and sent out a mass email. According to their email, we were to meet, elect a Chair, and submit that name to the Board for approval. I contacted everyone on the list, held a meeting, asked for volunteers for Chair, stepped up since no one else wanted to, and we submitted my name to the Board. In the meantime we began planning a Christmas Party. I submitted a budget to the Board for the party, went back and forth with them about what they wanted vs. what we, as a Committee, wanted. Long story short, because my ideas differed from the Board's, I was told 'your services are no longer needed - we have appointed someone else as Chair and they will take over planning the party'. And seriously, what it came down to was the Board wanted to purchase a cheap Santa suit at Walgreens for $12.99, and I wanted to get a nicer one.

Anyway.... So after a month of spending way more time than I needed to, waaaaaaaay more time than I intended to, and waaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaay more time than I even had - I was relieved from my volunteer duties. I am angry, bitter, and more than a little frustrated.

And all I can say is 'I tried....'

What I Have Learned - Take Forty-Two

2010-12-08T22:17:00.000-08:00

I have learned that I miss writing.

Long ago, in a galaxy far away.... Well, okay - it was long ago, but it wasn't necessarily a galaxy far away. Anyway... I used to write, a lot. I wrote short stories, I wrote poems, I wrote letters, I wrote just to write. I enjoyed it tremendously. I even considered becoming an author at one time. Somehow over the years I began to write less and less, until I stopped all together. Now I have to admit - I really miss it.

Writing has a way of clearing my mind, putting my thoughts at ease. So much garbage swirls around in my head, that sometimes if I can just put it on paper, it makes my brain a little less cluttered. And I can assure you - a less cluttered brain is ALWAYS a good thing.

So I am going to write. Maybe here, maybe there, maybe everywhere. For now, all I know is that my brain needs space, and this is the only way I know how to give it what it needs...

What I Have Learned - Take Forty-One

2010-06-18T20:55:00.000-07:00

I have learned that sometimes I need to just look at the moment.

We all know I am a planner. I like a clear path, a marked journey. I like things to make sense and be what they are supposed to be. I am certainly not someone who is comfortable 'winging it'. I need order. I need to know. We all know that my life has not exactly fit into that very well. That is how the phrase 'just another day in my life...' came to be. Because really, isn't it ALWAYS something?

In the book I am reading, there are some wonderfully inspirational parts. But there is one part that really hits close to home. A woman is at this amazing location, and her thoughts are 'wow, I can't wait to come back here one day'. But she is missing the fact that she is THERE, right now. She is so focused on the future, that she fails to see the day she is in, the moment she is in. Reading that passage made me cry. True from my soul, cry. I am that person. In almost every aspect of my life.

I spend so much of my life worrying about the future, planning for tomorrow, concerned with what will or may happen. More of my sentences begin with the future tense, than the present. 'Tomorrow I will...', seldom 'Right now I am....'. My first question when I am on vacation, even, is 'so what will we plan for the rest of the week?'. I am always looking forward.

But how much am I missing out on right now? How much worry has invaded my mind, my body, my heart, my soul - that I have let it overtake who I am? I know I can't completely change being a planner, just by reading some words in a book. I will likely always have the need to know. I'm sure I will peek at the ending of a book, or look up the ending of a movie. But maybe, just maybe, I can soften that need a little bit. Perhaps I can concentrate on what is happening today, instead of worrying so much about what will happen tomorrow.

What I Have Learned - Take Forty

2010-06-18T20:31:00.000-07:00

I have learned that I can finally breathe.

Let me first warn you, I am a bit emotional today. I don't know why, I just woke up that way. Maybe it is the book I am reading, maybe it is being alone in the house, maybe it's just a Friday thing.

I feel as if there has just been this huge weight lifted off of my chest. For the longest time, mainly the past year, I have felt as if i just couldn't catch my breath. This past year has been agonizing for me. I have visited the lowest of the lows, the darkest depths of my soul, the bottomless misery of my heart. It has been a treacherous journey, through which most of it I have felt buried in a deep hole unable to see the light. I've cried, I have ached, I have bellowed in my sorrows. I've been reaching for the shore, desperate to find my way, all the while my head barely above water.

Then suddenly, I wake up today and I can breathe.

What I Have Learned - Take Thirty-Nine

2010-06-10T19:05:00.000-07:00

I have learned that sometimes I am totally, and completely, helpless.

This past March we had our worst (hopefully worst ever, and never have to go through anything like it) flight experience. My kids were flying home from Florida, where their Father lives. They sent me a text message telling me they were on board and getting ready for take-off. I told them I loved them, see them in a little while, and hope their flight went well. I got in my truck and was on my way to the airport. Their flight usually takes about the same time amount of time as me getting to the airport, getting my pass to the gate, going through security, and getting settled at the gate. I like to be sure I am there in plenty of time, so I will always be the first thing they see when they get off the plane.

As I get into the airport parking garage, I receive a text from my son. A text. From my son. The one who is supposed to be in-flight on his way here. I read the text, it said 'we are at the airport'. I thought 'WHAT?'. I texted him back and asked what he was talking about. He said they had to come back to the airport, something was wrong with the plane, they had to make an emergency landing. My heart sank. I couldn't breathe. Tears just filled my eyes. Words I never thought I would hear, couldn't have imagined hearing, yet here they were 'there is something wrong with the plane' followed by the words 'emergency landing'.

I ran into the airport, went straight to the ticketing counter. The woman, not so politely, told me I needed to get in line and pointed to the line of about 20 people. I, in a very panicked way, told her I received a text from my son saying there was something wrong with his plane and they had to make an emergency landing. I needed information. I wasn't moving, I think she may have sensed that. She brought me to another computer terminal and asked for the flight information. All her computer showed was that the plane had taken off and returned to the airport for 'mechanical difficulties'. She had no further information. No further information. Nothing.

I got my pass and went through security, hoping maybe someone at the gates would have more information. Something, anything. My kids thankfully had their cell phones. They had no information other than they were being let off the plane because it needed to be checked out. Their Father had already left the airport. They were there, alone, and afraid. And here I was, 1400 miles away, unable to help them, unable to comfort them, unable to even BE with them.

I kept checking with the gate attendants, no further information. The kids weren't being told anything. I had never felt so helpless in my entire life. My kids were hungry, and sadly, had no cash on them. I asked the people at the gate if there was any way I could charge food for them over the phone, have one of their agents in Florida explain the situation to one of the food establishments. Their answer 'no'. Finally a sweet family saw the kids alone and gave them money. I told the kids to get their name and address and I would send them back the money, they graciously refused repayment.

About an hour passed. We finally got word that they were sending another plane for them. Eventually, that other plane arrived, picked up my children, and safely delivered them to me here in San Antonio. The kids were almost four hours late arriving. Four hours of pure hell. Four hours I never wish to repeat, for as long as I live.

I thank God my children made it home safely that day. I am thankful my children had their cell phones. I am thankful for perfect strangers who saw kids in need and opened their hearts, and wallets, and came to their rescue.

But I still cry when I think about that day. My children were in trouble, miles away, and there was absolutely nothing I could do to fix the situation. I am their Mother, I am supposed to be able to protect my children and take care of them. I am supposed to ALWAYS be able to make things better. But that day I learned a difficult lesson, it doesn't always work that way. And on that March afternoon, I was totally, and completely, helpless.

What I Have Learned - Take Thirty-Eight

2010-06-10T18:48:00.000-07:00

I have learned that it never gets easier to put them on that airplane.

My two oldest children go to visit their Father in Florida for visitation when school is not in session. They go every Spring Break, every Summer, every other Thanksgiving, and a week at Christmas. I've been divorced for ten years, but have only had to do the out of state visitation thing for the past four years.

My kids were 8 and 10 the first time I had to put them on a plane by themselves. It was heart-wrenching. It was scary. It was just plain horrible. I sat at the gate once the plane took off and cried, and cried, and cried. I clung to my phone waiting for word that they arrived safely to their destination. Once I received those sweet words 'We made it, Mom', I cried some more.

Four years later, and it hasn't gotten any easier. I get all mushy and sentimental as I kiss them goodbye, I send them 'I love you' texts once they board the plane, I say a prayer as I look out to their plane on the runway. I don't break down quite as much when the plane leaves my sight, but the tears are still welled up in my eyes. I still clutch my phone waiting for word they have landed safely.

Thankfully, the kids arrived safely in Florida this afternoon without incident. That airplane held two of the most precious things on it today, two pieces of my heart. I have such a difficult time with the kids leaving for several weeks, how in the world will I ever let them go away to college, move out, start lives of their own? It never really does get easier does it??

What I Have Learned - Take Thirty-Seven

2010-05-19T20:40:00.000-07:00

I have learned that sometimes it just takes one person to make things better.

There are times when I get my feelings hurt. It can be from a passing comment, a canceled date, an exclusion from an invitation, a name I was called, or any of varied situations or reasons. Sometimes my armor isn't as strong as it should be, sometimes I may over-react, sometimes I may just be feeling extra emotional, sometimes what happened may really be hurtful. But regardless of the merit, there are times when things just get to me.

It is those times when I know I can pick up the phone, send a message, write a note - and the person who responds can make things a whole lot better with just a few words. Sometimes that person helps me see the situation in a different light, sometimes they tell me I shouldn't feel the way I do, and sometimes they just sympathize and tell me they understand. But the biggest thing they do, is show me they are there for me.

So, to the person on the other end - thank you. Thank you for making things better. Thank you for understanding. Thank you for being there.

What I Have Learned - Take Thirty-Six

2010-04-20T07:12:00.001-07:00

I have learned that it is time for some self-reflection.

It is my 34th Birthday this week. I have no problem with turning thirty-four, it's all just a number anyway. But with a birthday, always comes some self-reflection.

Probably not the best time to be looking in the figurative mirror. Crappy week, crappy year. So first thing I notice, I am not getting any younger. Thankfully, I am not so worried about my biological clock, I'm finished having children. Thank goodness that is something good checked off my list. I do, however, notice a few gray hairs here and there, and some fine lines becoming a little less fine. A good hair colorist and wrinkle cream and I can help with those issues. I'm still trying to lose the fifteen pounds that have somehow decided to stay since I turned thirty. But since dieting, nor exercising, top my to-do list lately, I can really only blame myself for their adherence to my butt. One day I may find the gym again, but by that time I will probably be way too old to even think of showing any skin anyway, so we won't dwell on that so much either.

I look at my lack of a career. I don't know I can truly regret where I am, knowing how I got here. I was well on my way to a successful accounting career when I became a Mom. Baby #1 was in and out of the hospital as an infant, and I had to make a choice - job or Mom. I chose Mom. From that point on, being a Mom just seemed to be more important than being a career woman. I dedicated myself to five little ones. I poured all my time and effort into them. I believe you can do both, but not to the degree that you can do one or the other. My opinion, of course. And honestly, I have enjoyed my 'jobs' I have held along the way. Of course, a little more money wouldn't hurt...

That brings me to my kids. Tough week for self-reflection there. We seem to be hitting a little bit of a Middle School bump, and the terrible threes, and sibling rivalry, and, well, the list could go on. I've always been unbelievably proud of the people they are. They are intelligent, kind, caring, and determined. For now, with all the bumps in the road, I will just close my eyes, say a little prayer, and hope it is all just a stage. I still believe in them, so maybe that will count for something.

My financial stability... Hahahahahaha. I own (loosely termed as the bank technically owns) my own home. I have minimal credit card debt. I have lots of outstanding medical bills. I have zero savings. Not the billboard for financially sound, not the billboard for financially unsound. I will take it for now.

My friends... I'm in a very odd place when it comes to friendships. I have a best girl friend. She lives in Florida and I talk to her daily, yet I have only seen her once in four years. She is wonderful to vent and open up to, but of course I never get to spend any time with her. I have gone out with another friend of mine here on several occasions, and we have had some really great times. I've tried to become more social, more open to other friendships, but it doesn't seem to take, I guess. I think sometimes my life is in such a different place, that it separates me so much from others.

My love life... I believe in marriage. I want the white picket fence, the home life, the happily ever after. I believe in love. I believe that what was meant to be will be. I believe in the promise of a bright, happy future.

My health... Right now I have more questions than answers in the health department. I feel like I suddenly got to a point and my body decided it was going to work against me. I have always had migraines and skin cancer, but the past year added more to my mix. Appendicitis, breast lumps, thyroid failure, tumors, bleeding disorders, funky blood counts, lung infections, depression, and I'm sure I forgot several others. I've seen the doctor more times in the past year, than my entire adult life combined (not counting prenatal care for my kids). I'm not exaggerating, God's honest truth. I still don't have any answers, not for any of it. Each day it is something new, something different. The best I can do now is say a little prayer and hope for the best.

As for the rest of what makes up my life, some is good, some not so good, some pretty awful. I have two ex-husbands. Enough said there. My immediate family all now lives within a few blocks of each other. Again, there is some really good, and some not-so-good with that. I have a nifty new washing machine. Trivial, I know, but it is the largest capacity available, and that is definitely a mark in the positive tally of the scoreboard of my life. My faith - tested daily. Luckily, still there. I probably need to focus and rely a little more on that now and again.

So when I wake up Thursday morning to the start of being thirty-four, will I be where I want to be? No. But if we were ever where we wanted to be, what use would it be to continue on our journey?

What I Have Learned - Take Thirty-Five

2010-04-20T07:12:00.000-07:00

I have learned that when it rains, it pours...

So today, probably goes down as one of the worst days in a long time. And considering the year I have had, that is really saying a lot. These past 400 days or so (because my shitty year has gone beyond a year now) have been unbelievably awful. If I were to list all the things that have happened, it would sound so absurd, you would undoubtedly question the truthfulness of such a list.

Yet, I can assure you, it is all very real.

I know that lately I have not written much here, and most of my posts before were very sad and depressing. I apologize, and understand anyone choosing not to read my blog anymore. But as I said in the very beginning of all this, I write here more for me, than for those who are reading it. And after today, I really need a place to call my own.

I never wanted to be the person who lets things get to them. I wanted to be the one people looked at and said 'wow, she really has it together'. I tried very hard to outwardly be that person. Then I started blogging. There was some part of me that felt better after letting it out, releasing some of the emotion. But now I regret letting so much of it out. Because I have become 'that person', the one who doesn't have it all together. The one who barely has her head above water sometimes. The one who cries, and mourns, and worries. The one who seems to let the world get to her, instead of being able to just brush off the bad. This isn't who I want to be, but it's not just raining in my world, it's pouring. And I am standing out in it without an umbrella, without rain boots, without so much as a jacket.

What I Have Learned - Take Thirty-Four

2010-03-28T21:24:00.000-07:00

I have learned that I miss rainbows.

I have lived in San Antonio for four years. I was born in Minnesota, and lived there for the first three years of my life. The twenty-seven years in between were spent in Florida. I don't remember enough of Minnesota to miss living there, but there are some things I really miss about Florida.

I love the weather in Florida. There are hurricanes, thunderstorms, lots of rain, and an unbelievable amount of humidity. But Florida lives up to its nickname 'The Sunshine State'. And it is that amazing sunshine that brightens your days and makes you forget about all the other not-so-nice weather days.

Rain in Florida is not like rain in Texas. First of all, it REALLY comes down in Florida. Sheets of rain, pouring rain, walls of rain. But none of this gray skies, drizzly mess, days of rainy weather. When it rains in Florida, the clouds blow in, then blow out as quickly as they came. And the rain is gone, the sun comes out. The sun - you know, the thing we can sometimes go days without seeing?? Well, in Florida, that just doesn't happen. Even before a hurricane comes ashore, the skies can be clear and blue, sunny and beautiful. Even in the EYE of a hurricane, the sun will come out.

And after the storm, and the sun comes out, the skies boast beautiful rainbows. There are days you will see more than one, some weeks you see several, sometimes days in a row. They are such a common occurrence in Florida, as with so many things, you begin to take them for granted.

I never realized how important the rainbow after the storm was, until the rainbows no longer came.....

What I Have Learned - Take Thirty-Three

2010-03-17T22:57:00.000-07:00

I have learned that you, my special someone, know me better than anyone ever has, or likely ever will.

I hope that everyone who reads this will find the same appreciation for that someone in their life, the someone who knows you like no one else does. There is nothing better than someone knowing you, really, truly knowing you. Not just your likes and dislikes, but what makes you who you are. May our lives all be blessed with that special someone.

For my someone,
I have only known you for three years, but it feels like my entire life. You know so many things about me. You know my favorite color, favorite flower, favorite bubble bath scent. You know my favorite food, my favorite dessert, my favorite soft drink, my favorite alcoholic beverage. But you also know what to have the bartender make me if they don't serve my favorite, because you know I have no idea what to order. You knew for my first shot it would have to be girlie, and thought nothing of me 'tasting' my two choices to decide which I wanted. Because, as you know, that is a perfectly normal 'Jenny' thing to do. You know what restaurant I will always pick, especially for lunch on a Friday. You know at any given time what I will order, no matter where we go.

You know where I was raised, and how much I miss it. You went there with me and listened to my stories, let me drag you around all the places. You know I miss palm trees and rainbows. You know I adore Mickey Mouse and would go back to Disney at any given moment. You know all the places I have traveled, and all the places I still want to go. You know I will always pick warm over cold, unless it meant I would have the opportunity to see snow.

You know my family and children. You know I will never be offended when you call #4 crazy, or tell me you will be giving up your drivers license once she gets hers. You know my kid's strengths, you know their weaknesses. You know that the 'countdown thingy' is just a given when you are here. You know the stories of my sister, you let me vent, you sympathize with me. But you also go with me to visit her, and always hold your tongue. You know that playing cards with my parents makes them happy, and have always obliged.

You know that I hate surprises. You know that if you buy me a gift while you are away, showing it to me on a webcam, or telling me about it, is what I WANT you to do. You know I will read the end of a book first and look up the ending of a movie, while we are watching it. You know I take great issue with messed up time lines and story lines in a movie, so much that they keep me up at night. You know I never remember an actor's name, but always know what movie they were in.

You know I hate the water. You know I will forever lecture on the importance of sunscreen. You know I love the irony of the basketball in the closet. You know that buying me a Spurs bear was funny. You know what all the stickers in your office represent. You know all the pictures and movies we have shared. You know all the places, all the moments.

You know my shoulders have no muscles, just collections of rock. You know my body is covered in scars, and you can name where they all came from. You know the parts of me I am self conscious of, the parts of me I would love to change. You know what I like to sleep in, what on any given evening I will be wearing.

You know I see the world in black and white. You know I have a hard time trusting, and an even more difficult time forgiving. You know I keep a mean grudge. You know I have both amazing patience at times, and other times a short fuse. You know I have zero tolerance for stupidity. You know I believe in God, but question the Bible. You know I know nothing about Geography, and you know why I am really not to blame. You know my faults, you know my weaknesses, you know my strengths too.

You know I don't sleep, and you know I forget to eat. You know I can tolerate clutter, unless it is in a work space. You know pots and pans DO go in the dishwasher. You know I don't go on roller coasters, don't like seafood, and don't wash my truck very often. You know which shows I watch on television, and what movies and books I love most. You know that taking me to see Harry Potter reaches the top of the list for sweet things. You know that I am Team Edward, and who falls on my top three list. You know I am a sucker for Pretty Woman and Oceans, and will always choose them on tv, no matter how many times I have seen them.

You know that Santa Claus and the Easter Bunny are not just a given in my house, but of utmost importance. You know my Christmas tree will be topped with Mickey, and decorated by lots of little hands. You know that I will never give up until we win that First Place sign. You know that when it comes to gifts, cost isn't what matters most to me. You know that if someone has a Birthday in the house, they wake up to balloons and streamers, and get to choose their special dinner menu.

You know that I will never value your wallet, and will always value your heart. You know I am sappy and sentimental. You know what S.P stands for, and how very special the meaning behind it is. You know the truth of who is a better go-kart driver (that would be me), you know the three places our initials are carved, and you know that no matter what, the term 'bicycle police' will send me into an unstoppable giggle fit.

You know why my toe nails are always purple. You know I pick cats over dogs. You know I love Phantom, and will forever cherish that evening. You know if I had to pick between a purse, shoes, or a dress - which one I would choose. You know that a cocoa machine is simply the best gift.

You know I love teddy bears. You know I have a collection of odd items, and, well, let's face it, stolen items too. You know that little, green, wire hearts will melt my heart. You know my most cherished possession, written on yellow paper. You know I have a one of a kind ringtone, a skillfully drawn Mickey Mouse, and a ring that is simply priceless. You know that without question, it is the little things.

You know that of all the conversations we ever had, my favorite is still the four letter word one. You know our story. You know my dreams, you know my fears. You know how to make me laugh, how to comfort my tears. You know what to say, you know what to not say. You know how much I adore you, how much I cherish you, how much I love you. But I hope you also know how much I appreciate that you simply just 'know' all that you know.

What I Have Learned - Take Thirty-Two

2010-03-15T19:01:00.000-07:00

I have learned that I hate my thyroid.

For the first 401 months of my life, I never thought much of my thyroid. In fact, I can't say I even cared at all about its very existence. Then suddenly my world came to a screeching halt, all thanks to my delightful thyroid.

Now, in case you don't know, your thyroid is this butterfly shaped thing at the bottom of your neck. It isn't very large, about 5cm x 1cm x 1cm on each side. But when it decides to misbehave - watch out, because it can get really pissy.

Mine all of a sudden decided it didn't want to function properly anymore. It was a fluke that I even had the blood test done for it, so I was quite surprised to hear there were problems. After the first couple rounds of blood tests, I was then sent to a specialist. The specialist ran all sorts of tests I had never heard of. I was poked, I was prodded, I was scanned and examined.

Diagnosis - seriously messed up thyroid of unknown medical condition. In English - three different tests, three different diagnosis, none of them matching. Nice, huh? But one thing they all agreed on, two tumors in my thyroid, one of each side.

So now my world is engulfed in thyroid language, discussion, and treatment. My thyroid apparently is very selfish and in need of constant attention, because not for a moment will it allow me to forget it exists. As soon as I start to take my mind off of it, it either sends excruciating pain throughout my neck, or messes with all my other body functions.

It is pretty safe to say I am not very fond of my thyroid. I know I should probably be saying kind words to it, singing it sweet love songs, massaging it tenderly, but I think we are past that point in our relationship. I think we are at a mutual disdain for each other. Sad, but true, if a skillful surgeon were to cut it out and dispose of it in a medical waste bin, I don't even think I would miss it.

What I Have Learned - Take Thirty-One

2010-03-13T18:00:00.000-08:00

I have learned that I have lost my belief in the power of one.

I spent the first thirty-three years of my life absolutely convinced of the power of one. I was strong, independent, and believed in myself. I never felt the need to have friends, connect with others, or seek approval from people. I was comfortable in my own skin, strong in my shoes, and completely sure of myself.

I knew who I was, I knew what I brought to the table, I knew what I wanted and how to achieve it. I didn't care what others thought of me. I didn't care if someone didn't share my vision, or understand my thought process. I was sure enough of myself to get me through someone else not believing in me. I kept my heart guarded, my emotions in check, and my feelings well protected.

Recently, so many of those things have changed. I began to yearn for acceptance. I started to need people, friends, someone to care. I opened my heart, allowed my emotions to be experienced, and my feelings to be able to be hurt. I began to doubt myself. I stopped believing in who I was, what I was. I lost my sense of importance. I felt like my place in this world was no longer where I thought it was. I began to feel unwanted, unneeded. I even felt uncared for and unloved.

Everything I thought I knew, I am no longer sure of. I question my role as a mother, a friend, a soul mate, even as a person. I no longer believe in that power of one, when that 'one' is me.

What I Have Learned - Take Thirty

2010-03-12T16:22:00.000-08:00

I have learned that writing from my heart usually involves the subject of my children.

Blue

You stand there and I cannot believe how grown up you are. I remember bringing you home from the hospital in your little blue outfit. You had the biggest cheeks, the sweetest smile. Your very existence was like a dream come true. My entire life I had wanted nothing more than to be a mother, and here I was, holding this beautiful little boy in my arms. From head to toe, you were absolutely perfect. A bundle of love wrapped in a blanket, with a stocking cap on your head. I had wished for a healthy beautiful boy, and was blessed with your presence. When we brought you in the house, even the kitty was in awe of you. That day was sweet, sentimental, and even a bit scary. I was so unbelievably excited, so overwhelmingly in love, and so completely taken with you. That amazing newborn baby smell was absolutely heavenly. I wanted to hold you in my arms forever and never let you go. Here were are, thirteen years later. Yet, I will always see you as that little baby, the one all wrapped in blue.

Here were the instructions:
It’s a 15-sentence, one-paragraph portrait, a popular writing exercise developed by the late Wendy Bishop. Think of a person you know, and this exercise will focus on them.

First, for the title, pick either a color or emotion that represents this person to you. You won’t mention the person by name in this story.

Begin your first sentence, with one of these phrases:
* You stand there …
* No one is here …
* In this (memory, dream, photograph [choose any one]), you are . . .
* I think sometimes..
Then, follow these rules for the next 14 sentences.
2: Write a sentence with a color in it.
3: Write a sentence with a part of the body in it.
4. Write a sentence with a simile.
5. Write a single sentence [no joining of two or more sentences by a semi-colon or by coordinating conjunctions] of exactly 25 words.
6. Write a sentence of exactly eight words.
7. Write a sentence with a piece of clothing in it.
8. Write a sentence with a wish in it.
9. Write a sentence with an animal in it.
10. Write a sentence in which three or more words of the same part of speech [nouns, verbs, adjectives, adverbs] alliterate.
11. Write a sentence with two and only two commas properly/normally used.
12. Write a sentence with a smell in it.
13. Write a sentence that could carry an exclamation point (!), a sentence that you might normally put an exclamation point in, but do not use the exclamation point.
14. Write a sentence that connects in some way to the first line.
15. Write a sentence to end this portrait that uses the exact word you chose for the title.

What I Have Learned - Take Twenty-Nine

2010-03-09T07:37:00.000-08:00

I have learned that Social Media sometimes bites

Both of my older kids have Twitter and Facebook accounts. My son is seldom on either, much preferring the company he finds on the other end of his Xbox Live subscription. But my daughter is, for lack of a better term, obsessed with Facebook.

Growing up, my parents didn't have to worry about the deep dark depths of the cyber world. There were no online predators, no cyber bullies, no internet porn, no anything of the sort. I heard things like 'don't park next to a van' and 'don't talk to strangers'. Well, along with those tidy pieces of advice, I have to somehow find a way to keep my kids safe from both the real world, and the online world.

So when the question came of 'can I have a Facebook page', it was met with reluctance. Once the reluctance weaned, it then changed to a set of rules. Rule #1 - I have to be your friend. Rule #2 - Do not add or accept friend requests from anyone you don't know. Rule #3 - I get to know your password at all time. Rule #4 - I will always be Mom, I always get to ask who, what, when, where, and why - and you get to answer. Rules have been added since then. I have had to make some suggestions, insist some things be taken down, and had to ask a few important questions.

I don't sit and analyze everything she posts, everything posted, or everything I see. I try to find the right balance between cautious and careful and just plain nosey. I have logged in with her password on a couple of occasions, but for VERY specific reasons. I did not pretend to be her, I did not read her email, I did not do anything that would have betrayed her trust in me.

I am comfortable at the moment with my sense of her online safety. I will continue to make rules, set boundaries, and monitor the situations as they change.

But then there is a dark side to my daughter and social media, one that has nothing to do with safety. As I mentioned, she is my friend on Facebook, and a follower on Twitter. That means every last thing, she gets to see. Every wall post, every picture, every tweet - right there in front of her eyes. Fortunately, I live a very PG-13 rated life. And even in times where I may be pushing an R rating - certainly not in a manner in which I would be ashamed for my children to witness. I will always have it in the back of my mind, 'your children can see this'. But I realize that every day of my life.

The darker side is more the flip side. I see HER posts and pictures. She is currently grounded from her cell phone. So her Facebook status reads (rewritten in plain English) 'I am grounded from my phone, don't text me, find me here instead'. One of her friends commented (again, rewritten so it makes sense) 'ohhhh - what did you do?'. My daughter's response 'I will find you on chat and tell you there'....

Now - dammit, they are going to be talking about ME. And what I want to do is post on the wall - 'My dearest child - you are grounded for giving me attitude when I asked for a picture of you. Instead of taking two minutes, smiling, and saying cheese - you instead went into a raging hormonal middle school fit, thus landing your phone in my hot little hand instead of yours. '. Instead, I just had to grit my teeth and look away. THEN - it got worse. She posted 39, THIRTY-NINE, pictures she took of herself and her friends from the dance. THE dance. PICTURES - LOTS OF PICTURES. My blood literally boiled.

So I have this window into her little world. I see things I don't necessarily want to see. And I don't go looking for it, it is just there in front of me. I'm sure I could turn this into a positive story. Ohhh, I get to see a side to her I wouldn't normally get to see, I get to see her interact with her friends, I get to witness her growing up, maturing. Pffffttttt to THAT. I get to see myself being talked about behind(ish) my back. I get to see the destruction of the English language, one I worked my butt off to TEACH her. I get to see boys, and more boys, pay attention to her. I get to see 39 pictures of her, smiling and happy, when I couldn't get one. I get to see a little girl who once looked up to me, needed me, idolized me - growing up more every day. Bah humbug stupid social media.

What I Have Learned - Take Twenty-Eight

2010-03-06T22:19:00.000-08:00

I have learned that I am apparently the worst Mom ever.

I have been a Mom for exactly 5003 days. For most of those days, I have considered myself to be a pretty good Mom, a really good Mom even some days. But that run has come to an end. A screeching halt. I am officially the worst Mom ever.

The reason for such a title varies by child. As I previously mentioned, with #1 it is because I actually CARE about his grades. I want him to succeed, I want him to do well, I want him to excel. I want him to be the absolute best he can be. Thus, putting me in the 'not so popular' Mom category.

#2 - she is in 6th grade. The reasons vary by the minute with her. Most recently, she had her school dance, and wait for it.... I wanted a picture of her all dressed up. I didn't ask for a picture AT the school, nor in front of her friends. It was after the dance once we were home. No one around to see it, no posting it online, just for me. The world came to an end the minute I asked for the picture.

#3 - the middle child. She questions everything I say, everything I do. My reasons are never enough. My explanations - not good enough. My way of thinking - not acceptable. Her analysis of the situation always far superior to mine. She has the world all figured out, and certainly not in need of me to help her along the way.

#4 - the crazy child. She just doesn't understand why the rules of the world need to apply to her. She thinks wearing four pairs of underwear is acceptable. Climbing a tree she knows she can't get out of - a wonderful plan. Wearing ripped jeans to church because she 'IS a rock star after all' - completely understandable. Mom interfering with her plans to have seven boyfriends and take over the world - completely inappropriate.

#5 - the baby. His nickname is Bubba. If, heaven forbid, I make him behave or do something he doesn't want to do - his token phrase is 'I won't be your Bubba anymore'. He absolutely pitches a fit when I force him to wear underwear (I know, such a horrible thing to do). And clearly, the point is well taken when I hear 'I am mad at you' twenty times a day.

Apparently, I will not be winning the 'Mother of the Year' Award this year. I think Octomom and Britney may get more nods from their kids this year than I will. I guess my run of good mother ended at about 4931 days (which would have been Christmas if you are counting days). I will put my crown back in the box, and resign myself to just being the housemaid from here on out. But I DID get my pictures, so I will always have the memories......

What I Have Learned - Take Twenty-Seven

2010-03-04T21:10:00.000-08:00

I have learned that people don't take enough time to actually get to know other people.

Most of you who read my blog belong to one type of social media network or another. We have our Facebook friends and our Twitter friends. We even claim to really care about them; their lives, their troubles, their happiness. But the other day, in a moment of chatting with one of my friends, I realized how little I knew about them, and they of me.

I have lived in San Antonio for almost four years now. I have made very few friends over this time. Mostly, I blame myself. I have never really made myself available or opened up enough to let people close. But even those I do consider friends, there is so much of my life they have no idea about. Little things, big things.

I always refer to my children by birth order number. And with that, even the friends I have made here don't know their names. Very few know if I have brothers or sisters, what I do for a living, or even something as simple as my favorite color. And in all honesty, I couldn't answer those questions about most of my friends here either.

So that makes me question what kind of a friend I really am, or any of us really are. Are we content to live our lives just knowing people on the surface, and never taking the time to really get to know them? And if I happen to know some of the deeper questions, do I know the answers from reading a blog or a Facebook page, or following you on Twitter, instead of taking the time to ask YOU. How impersonal of a society have we really become?

Next time you chat with that person you have spent months chatting with, ask them something that matters. Get to know WHO they are, not just what they are.

What I Have Learned - Take Twenty-Six

2010-03-04T07:54:00.000-08:00

I have learned that divorce changes the parent/child dynamic - sometimes unfairly.

The other day I heard the dreaded words "I want to go live with my Dad". Never before have any words hurt quite so deeply. I was stunned, shocked, disappointed, hurt, and pretty much devastated on every level. The circumstances surrounding this comment made it all the worse.

My oldest son's grades had dropped at school. He is in eighth grade, in all honors and GT classes. His grades have always been straight A's with one or two B's thrown in along the way. Suddenly, they dropped. And the reason for the drop - zeros in assignments. His test grades are high A's, but his homework grade consists of big fat ZEROS.

I'm a very strict Mom. School work is a priority, straight A's expected. And there are serious consequences for behavior or grade issues. So after my son received a C on his report card, he lost his cell phone for six weeks (the entire marking period). We talked about the importance of school, how he was receiving high school credits this year, and how these grades would ultimately determine his college career.

Anyway, back to my crushing conversation. My son wants to go live with his Dad because grades aren't important there. His Dad has never seen the value in an education, gifted classes, honors courses, or grades. My kids know this very well. So because I care, because I am forced to be the bad guy, my son wants to go live with his Dad.

I am twice divorced. I have two children from my first marriage, three from my second. Neither of the men made good Fathers. For the most part, they were absent parents even when we were married. Neither of them was cut out to be a parent, not a decent one anyway.

But since the divorces, they have been given a new opportunity with their kids. They no longer have to be a 'parent', they get to be the 'friend'. They get to take them to the movies, amusement parks, condos on the beach, vacation places. They get to do all the fun things, all the playful things. They have all the fun with none of the responsibility. It is a better fitting role for both of them. Where as they made awful parents, they make pretty good friends for their kids.

But for me, I am left with all the responsibility. I will always have to be the one to deal with homework and chores, problems and issues. I get to not just be a single parent, but the ONLY parent. I have never minded my role. I know that given the alternative, my kids are better off with me being the one driving them, helping them succeed. I have helped them create goals and expectations for themselves, given them confidence and courage. Their Fathers would not be the best for that 'job'.

But for all I do, for all my sacrifices, for all my dedication - my kids are still only kids. They don't see the big picture, they only see the now. And the now paints me out to be the bad guy. When they are on the receiving end of the negative consequences, they only see the greener pastures on the other side of the field.

I was prepared for a lot of things in my divorce. I was prepared to be the only parent. I was prepared to have to shoulder all the responsibility. I was prepared to have be be the bad guy, even. But I was never prepared to chance losing my kids over caring too much.

What I Have Learned - Take Twenty-Five

2010-02-25T13:45:00.000-08:00

I have learned that some people in this world have heart, determination, and dedication.

Today I met a gentleman named Gordon Hartman. I listened to him speak about his daughter, Morgan. He spoke not from a businessman's perspective, but from a Father's. His special needs daughter always seemed on the outside looking in when it came to playing at a park. She, and other special needs children, couldn't always participate at parks and parties, limited by their disabilities, not by their desires. Mr Hartman could have gone about his frustration in several ways. He could have gotten angry at the park facilities, complained to fellow parents - countless other things. But he chose to DO something constructive. He chose to make things happen so Morgan, and other children with disabilities, would have somewhere to go in which they could call their own.

Morgan's Wonderland is a 25 acre unbelievably amazing park. I went on a tour of the facilities this afternoon, and it honestly left me speechless. There is a beautiful carousel with special seating for various types of disabilities. This carousel allows not just wheelchair accessible seating, but the wheelchair section actually MOVES up and down. None of this 'you just get to go around in the circle' bit - you actually get to move up and down. There are also several different types of swings throughout the park, including wheelchair swings. Seriously, not move your child out of their wheelchair if they wish to swing, but wheel your wheelchair onto the swing and be able to swing. If I sound in awe, I am, absolutely and completely. There are sand diggers and water tables, play areas and a sensory village. There is a catch and release pond to go fishing, water cannons, and remote controlled boats. There are picnic facilities, and even a garden sanctuary. They have taken time to open their hearts to the needs of those with disabilities, and provide this amazing place for them to enjoy.

Mr Hartman also spoke of wanting this park to be inclusive for everyone, those with special needs, and those without. I have five children who are not special needs children. But my five children could learn a lot from spending a day at Morgan's Wonderland. They have not had to look at the world through the eyes of someone with a disability. They have not had to experience life where places are not the most wheelchair friendly, thus affecting what and how they can participate. They have not had to see life through eyes other than their own. They have always been able to run to a park, hop on the nearest piece of playground equipment, and go about their merry time on it. They have lived without limits to their fun, without limits to their mobility, without limits to anything they wanted to experience. They have been spoiled in their lives, spoiled by their abilities. I believe a day spent beside other children, who are just as they are, yet just a little different, might be one of the best learning experiences they could ever have. To be able to see life through the eyes of another child, just wanting to have fun.

Perhaps, even as adults, we should all spend a day at Morgan's Wonderland. To see the things we take for granted, the things we may never think about, to see firsthand some of the things we have never stopped to consider. Our tour guide today, Mr. Dave Force, spoke of a 50 year old woman who came to visit the park. She was confined to a wheelchair. She went on the wheelchair accessible swings and said it was the first time in her life she had ever been on a swing. Ever. In her life. I thought of all the times in my life I had been on a swing. As an infant, as a toddler, a child, a teenager. As an adult with my own children on my lap. For as far back as I can remember to as recently as a few months ago - my butt has felt the seat of a swing. I have totally and without a doubt taken that action for granted, and never thought twice about it.

But walking those grounds today, I stopped taking a lot of things for granted. Both in my own lifetime, and in that of my childrens. Morgan's Wonderland was built straight from a Father's heart out of love for his daughter. It was built on big ideas, and not so impossible dreams. Mr. Hartman made it happen. His success will undoubtedly be shown by the countless smiles of the patrons who visit the park. But what he may not see, but is just as big of a part of his success, is the hearts, such as mine, he has touched in this endeavor.

To Mr. Hartman, his family, his team, those who helped make Morgan's Wonderland a reality - I thank you for your heart and dedication. To those reading this - go visit the park. See where dreams will come true every day. Take your children, volunteer, go visit for yourself - be a part of something more. I promise you - this IS something more.

What I Have Learned - Take Twenty-Four

2010-02-24T16:44:00.000-08:00

I have learned that we all overlook things sometimes.

We, myself included, tend to live our lives wrapped up in the things that affect us directly. We worry about our children, spouses, family, jobs, friends, finances, and the countless other things we deal with on a daily basis. We live in this little bubble of self absorption. We look at the world in terms of how it relates to us personally. Frankly, I do the same thing. I have enough on my plate that I don't necessarily have the time or energy to dwell on the lives of others.

But what I have come to realize is that as much as we don't necessarily need to dwell on the issues others may be facing, perhaps we can keep in mind that there IS something they might be facing. The check out girl at the grocery store who was kind of rude to you - perhaps her husband just left her. The waitress who seems to forget you exist as one of her customers - perhaps her child or parent is sick and her mind is with them. The driver who seems to not be paying attention - perhaps his daycare center called and his child needs stitches.

Then there are things a little closer to home that you may not realize. The girl in your office who seems withdrawn lately and not so friendly - perhaps she is waiting for biopsy results for suspected cancer. The acquaintance you talk to here and there who isn't herself - perhaps she is struggling with depression. Your best friend seems quiet - perhaps she and her husband are thinking of separation or filing for bankruptcy. You boss just seems to be a jerk - perhaps he or a loved one is suffering from drug or alcohol addiction.

We all have our own problems. I can assure you, no ones life is perfect. Some people may seem to have it together and that life is good - but for all your know, or for all I know - they could be private people like me and keep things inside. Read through the posts on facebook or twitter- most are happy, nothingness posts. I know my posts are not a reflection of the life I am living. Are yours?

If you see someone having a bad day, tell them you care. If you think someone might be having a bad day, tell them you care. For no reason at all, tell someone you care. But don't just stop at the people you know, remember others out there may be having a really tough time too, and maybe they could use a smile or hug as well.

Smile a little more, hug a little more, care a little more, love a little more - but most importantly - understand a little more.

What I Have Learned - Take Twenty-Three

2010-02-18T21:44:00.000-08:00

I have learned that the world would be a better place if we all just payed it forward a little more.

As most of us know, it is Lent season. Social media sites are a buzz with discussions of what we are all giving up for Lent. Many of us, myself included, are not Catholic, yet partake in giving something up for 40 days. I am sure the reasons are varied, and most are positive, but it really got me thinking. Isn't this a little backwards?

Now, I am not knocking the actual celebration of Lent. Religion aside, this is more generalized than that.

We are all so willing to give up something for forty days. I have seen things from cookies to sweets, attitude to anger. Even my own sacrifices have been pretty trivial, bagels and swearing the past two years. But instead of giving up something, what if we all vowed to DO something the next forty days?

What would happen if we took paying it forward as seriously as giving things up? Is it really easier to give up a food product than to be extra nice, or go out of our way, or GIVE a little more? Why are we so willing to take away, but have a hard time GIVING away?

Perhaps when our forty days have finished, we can make a new promise. Forty days of paying it forward. What a better place we could make the world, if even just forty days at a time.

What I Have Learned - Take Twenty-Two

2010-02-16T08:00:00.000-08:00

I have learned that sometimes you need to get up and take someone's hand through the sprinkler.

One day last summer, I turned on my sprinklers to give my lawn a much needed drink of water. My kids always have this keen sense of when water is turned on, and come running outside to play. I decided to sit outside, book in hand, and relax while they enjoyed the sunshine and sprinklers.

My youngest two daughters were running and jumping, screaming with delight, as they ran across and through the spraying water. They were giggling and laughing, having the best time. They asked me if I wanted to join them, but I was comfortable (and dry) in the shade reading my book. Then my youngest decided to come outside with us.

He was a little more timid, walking around the sprinkler, just out of the water's reach. The girls tried to get him to run through, but he just wasn't quite ready for that. I can't say I was really 'watching' them, as much as listening, as I was more taken with my book at that moment.

Then suddenly, this loving little boy tugged on my shirt, looked up at me with his bright blue eyes, and said in the sweetest voice, "Mommy, I am scared. Come with me through the sprinkler, please". That moment stood still in my heart. I was there, but not really 'there' with those kids outside. I noticed the happiness, the joy, the fun times. But I had failed to notice my little boy scared and alone. I failed to reach out to him when he needed me. I was just too busy to really see the situation happening before me.

I put down my book, took his little hand, and (fully dressed) ran with him through the sprinklers. I gave him my hand when he needed it most. I helped him find the courage in himself to face his fears. I was finally 'there' that afternoon.

Sometimes we only focus on the happy moments. Sometimes we don't see the people with their hands stretched out to us, needing help running through their sprinklers in life. Too many times we aren't really 'there' when we could be, should be, or need to be. When you see that someone standing before the sprinkler, too afraid to go through the water - take their hand, and show them they are not alone. <3

What I Have Learned - Take Twenty-One

2010-02-15T21:11:00.000-08:00

I have learned that sometimes having a normal conversation with my kids just doesn't happen.

As everyone knows, I have five kids. They are highly intelligent, over-achieving, constantly thinking, always pondering, completely 'out there' kids. Don't get me wrong, I love them, adore them even. Sadly, I even 'get' them. But after talking with them about some things, I just end up shaking my head.

I try to be a good mom and discuss the important issues with my kids, like stranger danger. But somehow, it just isn't that easy at my house. We sat one time and discussed the basics, scream 'this isn't my parent' if someone tries to take you, make noise, cause a commotion. Sounds reasonable, right? Until the questions started. Them- What if he has a gun....Me- Scream, make noise, cause a commotion. ...Them- What is he threatens to shoot us....Me- Same thing, scream....Them- So you, as our Mom, want us to do something that will purposely cause us to be shot....Me- Yes, chances are if he is going to shoot you, he will do it anyway. At least this way someone would be able to call 911....Them- Thanks a lot, Mom - you WANT us to get shot.

Try to tell them to break something if they are in a store and someone tries to take them, to bring attention to themselves. Them- You want us to break something.... Me- Yes, to draw attention to the fact someone is trying to take you....Them- You DO realize you would have to pay for it, right....Me- Yes, it would be worth it if it saved your life....Them- What if you couldn't afford what we broke....Me- I would find a way to pay for it, I'm not worried about that....Them- Sure, you have enough money for THAT....

Our conversation regarding fire safety was another 'lovely' one. The message I hoped to get across - immediately get outside to our meeting spot, do not take anything with you, just get out as quickly as possible. Again, sounds like an easy enough discussion. Yeah, well, not in my household. Them- Should I wake up my sister if she is still asleep when the alarm goes off (note she sleeps in the same room)....Me- Yes, on your way OUT....Them- Well, what about other sister'.... Me- No, let me worry about them, you just get out.... Them- So sister #4 is more important to you than #2?.... Me- No, its a location thing.... Them- What if I am in the bathroom then and not near any of them.... Me- Okay, simplify - just get yourself out.... Them- Well what about #5, do we let him die since he isn't going to be as informed as we are... Me- Just get out of the house as quickly as you can and meet me at our designated spot.... Them- What if the designated spot is on fire.

Seriously, this is my life. Regardless of the conversation, this is what it turns into. And at this point, they greatly outnumber me, so I can't win.

I have gotten pretty used to all of this, I have had a decade or so of it. It is always nice to know that a serious conversation will end in me just shaking my head in disbelief. I think some days they TRY to see how far they can take it before I give in - some kind of sad little game of theirs. It is kind of like the 'why' game you hear when your kids are two, except this isn't as easy to end with the phrase 'because I said so'.

I can assure you one thing, though, you don't even want to KNOW what we discuss at the dinner table.....

What I Have Learned - Take Twenty

2010-02-11T18:14:00.000-08:00

I have learned that you should take the time to tell that special someone what they mean to you.

When you first fall in love, the words come easily, the actions happen daily, and your feet seldom fall from the clouds they are walking on. But as the weeks, months, and years pass, sometimes the things you feel aren't necessarily spoken or shown the way they were in the beginning. You tend to stop the 'dating' part of your relationship. You quit the little things. You let the daily rut take over. Pretty soon the sentimental yesterdays feel like very distant memories.

Like most of us, I made that very mistake. I stopped saying 'I love you' as often as I once did. I stopped the cute notes, the sweet gestures, the out of the blue actions. I stopped all the little things that made us fall so deeply in love, the things that defined who we were and what we felt for each other. I let life replace love, instead of letting my love define my life.

I will NEVER make that mistake again. I will make sure the man I love never has to doubt again. There will never be a moment where he questions how I feel about him, or what he means to me. I will take every opportunity to tell and show him how much I love and care for him. He deserves that, our relationship deserves that.

We shouldn't get so caught up in the hectic daily grind that we lose sight of the things that matter most. If we let the little things slide, what starts as a few little rocks tumbling down, can turn into a landscape changing mudslide. One that we may never recover from.

Take that special someone, wrap your arms around them, look into their eyes, and tell them exactly what they mean to you. Not just today, not just tomorrow, but every day for the rest of your days.

And to my S.P - Three years ago fate brought us together. You and I both know it was nothing short of a miracle the way we were brought into each others lives. What started as an amazing friendship blossomed into the purest love I have ever felt. You became the reflection of my own soul, the man of my dreams, and the person I want to grow old with. We had found our Happily Ever After in each others arms. I am more than lucky, and truly blessed, for what I have found in you. I have never loved anyone the way I love you. I have never cared for anyone as deeply. And I have never felt so complete in my entire life. For all you are to me, and for me, I thank you from the bottom of my heart. I love you, baby. XOXOXO

What I Have Learned - Take Nineteen

2010-02-09T20:09:00.000-08:00

I have learned that I love Valentines Day.

I know this comes as a big shock to everyone, but I love Valentines Day. Impossible to imagine, right?!?! It is sappy, sentimental, mushy, and just plain overrun with emotion. Somehow I think this holiday was just MADE for me....

Valentines Day has not always been filled with roses and romance for me. In fact, I have probably personally had more bad years than good years celebrating the holiday. The past three years have certainly been the exception, not the rule. But even with my own personal experiences, my love for Valentines Day has never diminished.

I realize it is highly commercialized. I understand it is a holiday some say created by the Greeting Card Companies. And I know that people should celebrate their love for each other every day and not allow some calender to dictate that celebration. But how can you dislike a day with so much love in the air?

For you men out there, Valentines Day is a day you should be THRILLED with. Every store in the world is giving you amazing gift ideas, and constant reminders of the need to purchase something for your loved one. Unlike birthdays and anniversaries, you cannot possibly forget Valentines Day. Every store, every commercial, every everything is screaming at you. You can't even walk into your local gas station without something red and cute staring you in the face. I can't speak for all women, but most just want to know you are thinking of them and that they mean something to you. Valentines Day makes that a perfect time to tell and show them.

For you women out there, the stores make it pretty easy for you too. What man wouldn't love you to purchase some new lingerie to model for him. Seriously, he doesn't want a teddy bear or flowers, he wants you to show him some skin. If you aren't the lingerie type, then cook him his favorite meal. You get flowers, teddy bears, and chocolate - he gets you in sexy lingerie or his favorite meal. Done deal, fair trade, everyone wins.

So why are there so many Valentines Day Haters??

Last year, the love of my life had this amazing evening planned out. It was to be our first night in our new home. He was going to make me a home cooked meal- all my favorites. He was even making me chocolate lava cake. He bought special candles and toasting glasses - rose petals and the works. As we were driving to the house to get everything prepared, the water main accidentally got hit, it cracked and suddenly we had a HUGE water leak outside. We had to shut off the water and call a plumber immediately. Needless to say, our plans came to a screeching halt.

We may not have had our perfectly planned night that night, but we had each other. And really, when you get down to it, that is what Valentines Day is all about. We did end up having a 'do over' the next night. It may have shown a different date on the calender, but we were still celebrating all that Valentines Day should mean. We were celebrating our love.

The holiday doesn't have to be just about romantic love, it can be a moment to share your love and appreciation with your parents, children, friends, and even your pets. Valentines Day gives us a day where love is in the air, all around, and in our hearts. The world could use a little more of those days. <3

What I Have Learned - Take Eighteen

2010-02-06T07:20:00.000-08:00

I have learned that there is some very good relationship advice to be had.

Over the past decade or so I have been to many relationship counselors. Before getting divorced, we did try to work through our problems and we sought professional counseling. I have mixed feelings on counseling. I think it can be a positive experience if both parties go into it with the right mindset, and with the right counselor. But I think most people seek a counselor when it is too late.

I honestly believe a couple should GO to counseling at the beginning of their relationship, to learn the positive tools needed to help make a relationship work, before anger and bitterness and hurt have already set in. That being said, I have learned some helpful ideas to take forth into the future.

My favorite advice I was ever given was to think of a relationship like a bank. There will be days when you will deposit more, and there will be days when you withdraw more. But the positive balance comes when there is always enough in that bank to draw from. None of us are perfect, we make mistakes, we say and do things we shouldn't. But if you haven't put enough of yourself into the relationship in a positive manner, you won't have those things to draw on. The little things, the kind words, the happy moments, they feed into this bank. Those things really do add up after time. And having all those wonderful things in this bank, makes those hard times a little easier to deal with. So you always need to deposit more than you ever hope to withdraw.

The bank advice isn't just for a romantic relationship. The same principles can apply to a friendship, a professional relationship, even a parental relationship.

So for those you love and care about, start making a few more deposits each day. Grow your balance and your relationship will grow with it.

What I Have Learned - Take Seventeen

2010-02-02T23:19:00.000-08:00

I have learned that I am blessed to have both sons and daughters.

I have five amazing kids, two boys and three girls. For the most part, they all fall pretty stereotypically into their gender category. My boys have loved trucks and dirt, my girls dolls and dancing.

The other weekend I took my sons to see the Monster Jam monster truck show. It wasn't the first monster truck show I had been to, and I am certain it won't be the last. It was loud and crazy, filled with everything a boy could want. And my boys loved every minute of it.

I have been to see Miley Cyrus/ Hannah Montana in concert, I have seen Bon Jovi and Def Leppard. I have seen Dora and Scooby Doo both live on stage. I have seen Monsters Inc and Disney Princesses on Ice. I've seen Transformers, Harry Potter, and every girl movie ever made. I have watched soccer and tee ball, dance performances and plays.

I am truly blessed to have been able to experience parenthood with both sons and daughters. I've seen the boys wear out their clothes and shoes. I've seen my girls twirl around in party dresses. I've been given mud pies, and beautiful hand picked flowers. I've stepped over legos and matchbox cars, and moved barbies out of the bath tub.

I have been given the best of both worlds, and I cherish each and every minute of it.

What I Have Learned - Take Sixteen

2010-02-02T13:44:00.001-08:00

I have learned that some people just want to create as much drama as possible.

Recently there has been a very public 'he said/she said' situation. I have tried to take the high road and not facilitate the drama, however, the other party just won't stop the bullshit. As recent as today, he sent a very pathetic letter in which he still seems to not be able to let go of the crap.

I'm not even going to dignify it with a response from me. Please don't take my silence as anything more than my maturity in dealing with this situation. I know the truth, so do those who matter most. No one wins in a 'he said/she said' situation anyway, and I am old enough and wise enough to know that.

Move on, grow up, stop the drama. Live your life, let me live mine. What do you hope to gain by perpetuating a situation that you claim you so desperately want to let go of while simply facilitating the drama further? Seriously, enough already.....

Sent: Tue, February 2, 2010 1:12:32 PM
Subject: Matthew Egan sent you a message on Facebook...

>Matthew sent you a message.

Subject: Next Steps?

(Letter Deleted.... Not even worth going there....)

What I Have Learned - Take Fifteen

2010-01-31T15:33:00.000-08:00

I have learned that age is just a number, and sometimes just an excuse.

Perhaps my life has jaded the way I look at age. I started college at sixteen. I was married at eighteen and had my first child at twenty. I've owned a home my entire adult life, and been in a serious relationship for as long as I can remember. Okay, I get it, I am probably not the norm. In fact, I can look at some twenty year olds and think 'Oh, please....please mandate birth control for these people'.

So age has always just been a number to me. I find it hard to define where one's life should be, because I can't relate to it from experience. But then I look at some of the people I know, and see how age doesn't necessarily indicate anything.

I see some people who have just entered the 30 mark. They are bright, successful, mature, and recognized as standing members of the community. I see some who are in their twenties and are focused and thriving. Then I see some who have entered their 30s and are still living without a care in the world, moving from place to place, job to job. And some people who are in their twenties who you just shake your head at.

The second part of what I continually see is age being used as an excuse. I see parents make excuses for their child's behavior; 'he is only three, she is only six, he is thirteen-what do you expect'. Frankly, it sickens me. Of course there are times when age is truly a considerations for behavior, such as a three year old sitting quietly through a Broadway play - which is not going to happen. But most of the time, they are just excuses. And sadly, parents are not the only ones I see using age as a crutch.

I hear people all the time say 'well, I am only in my mid-twenties', as if this is an excuse for their immaturity or lack of having their life together. I want to ask them if a student who just completed medical school would sound the same saying that. Because let's face it, four years of college followed by four years of medical school would put that average person at 26. The med student has been dedicated and focused, their life clearly on track - and they are the same age. So, what exactly is the excuse?

I hate excuses in general, but even more so when it is something as lame as using your age as that excuse. Why in the world would you allow something like that to define you? You fit in a certain generation so you share an ADD label? You haven't hit thirty and that is when the 'real growing up' happens? Oh please...

Age IS just a number. Some people thrive with that, others use it as a crutch. Do you really want to let how many years you have been on this Earth be the defining factor of who you are? And honestly, at some point, making excuses for yourself just gets old. Grow up - and by that, I don't mean have another birthday.

What I Have Learned - Take Fourteen

2010-01-29T21:30:00.000-08:00

I have learned that I really like and care about my Twitter friends.

When I first signed up on Twitter, it was for business purposes. Really, it was. I used it to find new customers and promote the company I worked for. It was a wonderful means of finding people in need of the services we offered. I was good at selling the business through social media. Unfortunately, I am no longer working in the same field.

But along the way, I developed a more personal take on Twitter. My personal account became, well, personal. I began using Twitter as a giant chat room. But what first began as pointless chatter has now become a whole lot closer to my heart.

I actually like these people. Really like some of them. And I care more about them than I ever thought was possible.

I have met some amazing people over the past several months. I'm not here to brown nose my way through this and drool over anyone. I'm not here to try and promote myself or have a hidden agenda in my tweets. I chat because I like people. And many of these people are no longer acquaintances, they have become friends.

I have gone out with some wonderful girls. We have laughed, we have danced, we have had great times together. They are good people, and my life is so much richer with them as a part of it. But deep down, I care very much for these girls. I care that they have a sick relative, that they ran their first (and subsequent) marathon, that they bought their first house. I care when they have a bad date, a bad day, a bad experience. I love that they love ice cream and firemen. I love their honesty, their silliness, their appreciation for life, and even their craziness.

The best part of Twitter, someone is always there. Whether its two guys talking football at crazy hours of the night, or a group of people tweeting from a get together at a bar, to those of us tweeting from our desks during the day. If I want to connect with someone, to chat, or even to just listen to someone else's conversation - someone is always available. I know who is going where, what everyone is eating, where everyone is drinking (and how MUCH they are drinking). I have a window into these peoples lives. A window that I appreciate they share, and in return, I share with them a glimpse of my life as well.

And in all this sharing back and forth, my feelings and emotions have become involved. So even if I haven't said it to you personally, you matter to me. I care and if you need someone, you always know where to find me.

What I Have Learned - Take Thirteen

2010-01-28T11:56:00.000-08:00

I have learned that I love sappy and sentimental.

In case you failed to notice, I am a girl. I'm not really the most girly of girls, but I'm not exactly a tomboy either. I've always fit somewhere in the middle - with most things anyway. That comes to a crashing halt when you talk sappy and sentimental. Because in that department - I am all girl.

My sister and I have divided all of my Mother's belongings already. She's not dead, she's not ill, she is not going anywhere anytime soon. That hasn't stopped us from dividing the goods (judge me later...). Anyway, there are two items I want most from my Mother's house. The first one is a teacup. It belonged to my Mother's Father. When he left home, his Mother gave him this teacup with the parting words 'wherever you go, always take a piece of home with you'. It isn't china, it isn't even pretty - but it had meaning. And it still has meaning. The second item is a blue glass set my Dad gave to my Mom on their first Christmas together. He saw it and thought it was beautiful. It was more money than he could afford, and nothing my Mom needed. It was the perfect 'thing'.

To me, both of these items represent love in the purest form. They aren't fancy, they have no monetary value. They are truly just items. But they make me teary eyed just thinking about them. They are sappy and sentimental. They are worth more than all the gold and gems my Mother possesses.

In my life, I will always choose heartfelt over expensive. My children learned about May Day one year. They went to my Mom and asked her to help them surprise me with May Day flowers. They went to the dollar store, all picked out what they thought I would like, and created this lovely flower basket. On May 1st, the snuck it to the front door, hang the bell, and ran away. I, with absolute surprise, found this amazing basket of flowers on my doorstep. It is a mix of colors and types, each of them had chosen their favorite, in a not very fancy basket. But you know what, it couldn't be any more beautiful. It is proudly displayed in my kitchen, where everyone who enters my house can see it. It remains, after all these years, one of my most cherished possessions.

I'm all sentimental and sappy when it comes to a relationship as well. I find it romantic to receive the little things. I have a tiny green heart made from a spare piece of wire that holds a special place in my heart. I have trinkets and treasures abound, some just random little items given to me 'just because'. Of everything I have ever been given in a relationship, the thing I cherish most is a four page, hand written, love letter. It is the sweetest, most heartfelt sentiment of love I have ever seen in my life. It makes my heart smile.

Several months ago, I went on a date to the Majestic Theater. We were dressed up for the occasion, and planned on dinner at the restaurant next door to the theater. It was a very fancy night out on the town. We had some time to kill before our reservations for dinner and went for a walk. We went into a bar for a drink. In the back, they had an arcade crane machine with stuffed animals. My handsome date pulled out a dollar, and succeeded in winning me a cute little puppy. It was such a sweet gesture, one of those spur of the moment things. But it was my 'awwwwww' moment. Forget the dinner, the show, the magical evening. That little puppy captured my heart.

So for this girl, sappy and sentimental will win every time. If you tell me about some fancy jacket you just bought, I won't find that very impressive. If you tell me about how you are saving your favorite teddy bear for your own child, my heart will be filled with emotion. Don't buy me diamonds, they are just rocks that glitter, instead frame the tickets from our first date. Possessions come and go, it is what remains in the heart that matters most. I know that is sappy and sentimental, but that is who I am...

What I Have Learned - Take Twelve

2010-01-28T07:36:00.000-08:00

I have learned that my Mom was right.

Now, I could probably start a million blogs this way. My Mom has been right A LOT over the years. But specifically, I am talking about her consistent advice to 'always be the better person'.

Let me make one thing VERY clear, this is not the easiest advice for me to follow. I'm not someone who is afraid of conflict. I'm not one who is unwilling to stand up for what I believe and what I know to be true. I'm not afraid to fight for what is right. But her words eat at me; they just ring in my head. "Be the better person."

This advice was first given to me decades ago. Whenever someone said something about me, or there was some kind of an issue, my Mom would always say the same thing 'be the better person'. She didn't want me to stoop to their level, to meet pettiness with pettiness. She saw great value in taking the high road.

Her advice hasn't changed over the years, although it has been applied to a variety of situations. Conflicts with in-laws, problems at work, situations at school with my kids. Mom still says 'you are better than that'.

Mom was right. I AM better than that.

So, as difficult as it has been, I have made a conscious choice to 'be the better person'. I choose silence over screaming, the high road over the pits of hell, and integrity over bitterness.

What I Have Learned - Take Eleven

2010-01-12T07:40:00.000-08:00

I have learned that pajama pants are acceptable attire.

I have lived in San Antonio almost four years. Before that I lived in a small town on the West coast of Florida for the 27 years prior. Moving here was a total and complete culture shock. I won't get into that right now, but I have to giggle about pajama pants.

Where I used to live, you did not go out in pajamas. Seldom did people even venture out in sweats, and never in slippers. Yet here, in this wonderful city, it seems pajama pants are as normal and accepted as jeans.

You will usually find me at Wal Mart, Target, or HEB several times in a week. I can not think of one instance, not one, where someone was not decked out in their pajama pants, and many times slippers to boot.

Whether it be the cute flannel plaid ones, character fleece ones, or anything in between - pajama pants are apparently just part of the dress code. At first I giggled, out loud even sometimes. But now, I have embraced their appreciation for comfort. I have joined the crowd, and ventured out in my plaid flannel pj pants - not often, but I have nonetheless. And don't tell anyone - but it is something I could get very used to....

What I Have Learned - Take Ten

2010-01-12T07:25:00.000-08:00

I have learned that making decisions aren't easy.

It seems everything in my life lately has come to major crossroads. I have some pretty big girl decisions to make, and they just aren't easy. I struggle with knowing what is the best option, what will make me happiest, what is best for everyone else involved. Sometimes my heart says one thing, my brain says another. I don't know which one to listen to, which one to trust, and how much trust I even have in myself anymore.

I have personal life decisions to make. But how do you know what is the right decision? How can you be sure? I have tried to learn from my mistakes in the past, to right my wrongs, be a better person. But the decisions still sit so heavily on my shoulders. Taking chances and risks are so against my very nature, but sure things in life just don't exist.

I have a really big medical decision to make. There are risks and concerns on both sides of the matter. There are no easy decisions to even consider.

What complicates all these matters is that I am not making decisions for just myself, I am making decisions for five other little ones. What I do, what I choose, affects them just as much, if not more, than it does me. Talk about some serious added stress.

The weight on my chest is heavy, the world on my shoulders won't budge. And I can't put them off forever.

What I Have Learned - Take Nine

2010-01-12T07:02:00.000-08:00

I have learned that sometimes things just don't work out the way you had planned.

As I have mentioned before, and as anyone who knows me knows - I am a planner. I try to have a clear path and goal, and know exactly what is needed to succeed. The past year, especially, I have found that even the best plans can fail.

If someone told me a year ago today I would be where I am right now, I would have laughed hysterically at them. Almost every single part of my life has changed dramatically from where it was 365 days ago. My home life, my health, my professional career, my personal relationships. my financial situation. Sometimes I get angry and say to myself 'dammit, I HAD a plan, I had goals'. But getting mad at the situation doesn't change the realities of it.

I sometimes get discouraged and wonder why I should bother having a plan anymore at all. Then I realize that isn't who I am, and I will always be forced to deal with the disappointments that come along with expectations.

What I Have Learned - Take Eight

2010-01-12T06:48:00.000-08:00

I have learned that my house will never stay spotless.

Yes, I realize this sounds pretty trivial, but there is really more to it than that. I have spent many years off and on as a stay at home Mom. I loved my time with my kids, and we always made the best of it. I have also spent plenty of time working full time, and now work part time. I have lived most of my adult life as either a single parent, or a married parent with an absent partner. And of course, I have five amazing kids.

My kids are messy. They just are. I take a lot of the blame for that though. I am in NO WAY a clean freak. I honestly don't mind the clutter that makes up my house. Some days I don't really even notice it. So I choose to focus my time and energy on things other than cleaning all night long.

Of course when I do make sure the house is completely picked up, I can turn around ten minutes later and it look like someone took an industrial fan to the inside. My house is clean, just cluttered (I have little tolerance for actual dirt and grime). But most days it looks very lived in.

Over the years I have just learned to not stress over it. I could probably enforce stricter time management issues upon myself, and instead of chatting with my older kids at night, or reading extra bedtime stories to the little ones, or even taking a nice relaxing bubble bath - I could be cleaning. But I choose not to. I choose to live and be happy, and let the little things slide.

So take us or leave us, I say - but if you stop by my house one day - watch out for the truck that may sit by the front door.

What I Have Learned - Take Seven

2010-01-10T09:48:00.000-08:00

I have learned that my fourth child is crazy- in the best kind of way.

My fourth child is a beautiful six year old little girl. She is smart, friendly, caring, loving. She is also crazy. I don't mean like psychotic crazy, just crazy in the 'oh my goodness' crazy sense.

She was a perfect baby. She entertained herself by just sitting and watching her older brother and sisters. She seldom fussed, seldom cried, seldom was anything but happy. She loved to eat and watch. But once she grew a little and her personality began to show though - watch out world.

I don't remember for sure when all the craziness started, there isn't one big ahh-ha moment or anything. Just a build up to where we are today.

We used to believe she had ADD. I was CONVINCED of it. You could tell her 'do not ride your bike past the stop sign'. She would repeat to you 'I will not ride my bike past the stop sign'. Then she would immediately go do it. She wasn't misbehaving (believe me, I HAVE one of those types). But more her brain neurons didn't connect what I said to what she actually did. You would sometimes look at her and see the blankness of her brain just not 'getting it'.

Now we are not talking intelligence or behavior issues. She is certified gifted, and has never gotten in trouble ever at school - never moved her little color behavior thing even. This was more like you were talking to a wall. I can see how people believed Einstein was crazy and not 'right' - when you look at this child, you may just see the same thing.

We took bets on how many days she would make it in Kindergarten before the principal called the house. Not just the teacher, our bet was the principal. We figured she would be crazy enough to do something that warranted the big man on campus stepping in. Well, we weren't too disappointed.

Her first week we received a phone call from school. She had apparently forgotten her backpack at home (I drive her to school every day) and had decided she was going to leave campus and go home and get it. Granted we live two blocks away, but she was just going to leave campus. This was a completely rational idea for her. Everything is that way with her - it makes perfect sense in HER brain.

The other week, I was sitting in our den and a little girl knocked on the window. She said 'excuse me, your daughter is stuck in a tree'. I go outside, and sure enough, she is stuck in a tree. The next afternoon, I again was sitting at the computer and I hear a knock on the window. Same little girl with the same message 'your daughter is stuck in a tree'. Same daughter - same tree. The other afternoon my daughter came over crying. I asked her what was wrong. Her answer 'I just fell off the table'. (I didn't dare ask her what she was doing ON the table. I was afraid she might tell me 'dancing' or something of that sort).

I am thankful for my #4. She is all the things I am not. She lives in her own little world - and loves every minute of it. She has such zest and energy. She is my little rock star and bright shining light. She was always be the life of the party - even is she is the only one dancing.

What I Have Learned - Take Six

2010-01-07T18:52:00.000-08:00

I have learned that I need to find my faith again.

I have always believed in God. I was baptized Lutheran and raised Methodist. I have attended Sunday School, confirmation, weekly service, not so weekly services. I have brought my children up in much the same manner. Some weeks we attend services, some weeks we do not. However, I would classify our lives as more spiritual than religious.

God has always been more of a background than a foreground in my life. My beliefs were there, but not my dedication. I have lived my life based more on logic than faith. I needed to see something to believe it, instead of just believing IN it.

I still have issues with religion. I still question some of the literal truth of the Bible. But my faith in God is becoming stronger each day. I have opened the prayer lines back up. I have opened my heart to trusting in His faith and guidance. I have put my faith in Him as well, to shape my life and guide me.

I am an analytical person who likes facts and proof, I also have some pretty big issues with trust. So relying on faith, and faith alone, has been a difficult journey for me. It's a road I am still traveling each and every day. I need to trust more in my life. I need to believe that all things do not have to be seen in order to be felt. I need to put my heart and life in God's hands sometimes, and remember not everything is within my control. I need to find and embrace my faith.

What I Have Learned - Take Five

2010-01-06T18:15:00.000-08:00

Disclaimer - Today has been an extremely difficult day for me. I probably should have skipped writing today, but decided to go ahead with it. Be forewarned the following may be filled with deep emotion.

I have learned that I need someone for me.

I have always been a very strong and independent person. I have relied very little on others. In high school I wasn't interested in cliques. I was friends with those I liked, and not friends with those I did not. My friendships included people from every circle, every social class, every different variety of people. I had many acquaintances, very few close friends. I never wanted to play the 'fake game'. I started college at 16, married at 18, my first born at 20.

Through all those years, I never had anyone really close to me. I have had the same best friend my entire adult life, and honestly, for decades, my only friend. My marriage wasn't filled with love and ended six years later. Through those six years there was no partnership in my house. I carried the weight of being a woman, a wife, and a mother. And even through the failure of my marriage, I never reached out to anyone.

I married again and had three more beautiful children. My husband worked 90 hours a week - he was never home. I wore the hat of woman, wife, mother. And again, I wore it alone.

Everything in my life, from my pregnancies to my medical issues, college to jobs, raising children to taking care of a home. Every positive aspect of my life, every sad situation, every happy moment, every heartbreak - all of them I have faced alone.

I felt strong enough to carry the weights and the burdens on my shoulders. I knew I could do it. I know I had to do it. People depended on me, they needed me. I had to be strong, I had to be sure, I had to be confident. So I put on a smile, took care of my responsibilities, and quietly kept my feelings and emotions inside.

After my second marriage ended, I realized something. I realized I needed someone for me. I needed someone to be there to talk to, laugh with, open up to, share with. I needed someone to be my strength when I am weak. I needed someone to listen to me, hold me, be there for me. This person can actually be a single person, or a collection of people. A significant other, a best friend, a group of acquaintances.

I'm tired of going through my life alone. I am tired of bearing the brunt of everything by myself. I am tired of the world resting on my shoulders. I may not need a husband, or provider, or financial partner in those terms, but I need someone for me.

What I Have Learned - Take Four

2010-01-05T13:19:00.000-08:00

I have learned that a person's path to, and idea of, happiness is redefined every day.

I had a plan for my life. As I have mentioned before, I like plans. I was pretty sure what it was in life that made me happy. I was fairly certain the path I wanted to follow to find my 'happily ever after' in life. But every day, something little happens to change that, even just a bit.

I don't necessarily mean my complete definition of happiness is overhauled every day, but people, places, and things along the road tweak it just a little.

I decided a few months ago I like to enjoy a glass of wine in the evenings once the kids are in bed and my house is quiet. I realized I really liked the idea of running a marathon this year. I have heard breakfast is the most important meal of the day, and wonder if that will be something I come to endear. I enjoy interacting with my Twitter friends, and I find myself actual caring about them as individuals, not just cyber-friends. I like to go dancing, and until Halloween last year, I hadn't realized how much I missed going, and how much I enjoyed it. I decided to blog, which lifts my spirit sometimes when I can put my words on paper instead of hiding them deep inside of me. I have found that I like having friends and companions, something I never allowed myself to enjoy before. And I have taken a good hard look at what makes me happy, and what makes me unhappy, and have made a conscious choice to follow the path of those things that will lead to my happiness.

Our path doesn't have to be the same path we originally set out on. We can take a detour, we can take a side trip, we can sit on the side of the road and take some time to think about which path suites us best.

I'm in no hurry to find the end of my path, I am just taking it each day as it comes. I am embracing the things I enjoy and find happiness in, and turning away from the things that I don't. I don't need a 'happily ever after' today, a footstep of happiness is all I need right now.

What I Have Learned - Take Three

2010-01-05T09:37:00.000-08:00

I have learned that I do, in fact, need sleep.

I am not much of a sleeper, unfortunately, not my choice. I have always been a light sleeper and a restless sleeper. I have also always been able to function on very little, and very broken, sleep. It worked well for me when my children were babies. I wasn't the Mom who dreaded the every two hour feedings, because I wasn't sleeping anyway. I actually cherished that time with them, alone, in the dark peaceful house.

But enough already, my kids are no longer babies. They sleep through the night. They sleep 10-12 hours a night, every night. Unfortunately, I do not.

But the lack of sleep is now starting to take its toll on me. I want the sleep. I want to wake up rested and ready for my day. I want to lay my head upon my pillow and dream until the alarm goes off. One day, I promise, sleep WILL be mine.

What I Have Learned - Take Two

2010-01-05T09:25:00.000-08:00

I have learned that my son, at 13, can still surprise me.

My son is the average teenage boy. He is not big on showing his emotions, or even making his presence well known in the house anymore (except on trips from his room to the kitchen). He spends most of his time in his room, or with his friends.

He is a great kid. I know it in my heart, but it isn't so 'in my face' anymore.

Every once in awhile the kid's amazing colors shine through. The other day he sent me a text message. It said "Have a book I think you will like. It's a James Patterson book, and I know how much you like those". Okay, I get it - not so Earth shattering. But a - he took time out of his day to text me, b - he took time out of his day to think about something for me, c - he somehow has paid enough attention to what I like to know an author I read. He is thirteen - my moments with him have become less as time passes.

Christmas morning, he was opening his presents from Santa. He was SOOO excited (granted he received an XBOX 360, but anyway....). He smiled from ear to ear and exclaimed loudly 'Santa has really outdone himself this year. I will have to email him to thank him'. It was all I could do to not become teary-eyed.

I love that kid. And I love that even at thirteen, he can still surprise me and make me in awe of him.

What I Have Learned - Take One

2010-01-05T09:05:00.000-08:00

I have learned that I will always be my parents' child. Yes, I know biologically that is a given. But I mean 'child'.

First let me make this very clear - I love my parents dearly. They are the most amazing people, and parents, in the world. They are wonderful role models for myself, and my children. They have been the single biggest influences in who I am today. I honestly do not know where I would be without them.

With that being said..... I now realize my parents will never truly see me as an adult. They treat me with respect as a person and as a parent to my children, but sometimes I still get treated as a child. I am reminded to make sure my kids wear their heavy jackets, do their homework, play outside and get fresh air. I am told what is the best way to do countless household things. I am asked where I am going, who will be there, who is driving, and what time I am going to be home.

To clarify the last sentence - my Mom is a worrier. She isn't asking to be nosey, but to make sure my children and I are safe and well taken care of. She worries about me being at the grocery store late at night alone, driving when people have been drinking, coming home to a dark house, parking next to a van in the parking lot. She will hear a siren shortly after I leave my house and will call to make sure it is not me. She is not concerned with the details of my life, just the reassurance that I am okay.

My parents also come to my rescue and aide for anything and everything, well, almost anything. I needed help putting together a trampoline my children received from Santa, it was my parents who answered the call. My Christmas lights suddenly stopped working, it was my Dad who ran over right away to fix them. My washing machine was leaking, my Dad made the repair. I need a babysitter, a seamstress, a helping hand, a calm reassurance - it is my Mom I call first, and she who seldom turns me down.

I have come to actually appreciate still being a child to my parents. Sometimes it isn't always fun being the adult. And on Christmas morning, even at the age of 33, Santa still puts something special under the tree for me. Who wouldn't love that?

100 Blogs in 100 Days...

2009-12-31T07:36:00.000-08:00

I have made the commitment. 100 blogs in 100 days. Does it scare me, worry me, concern me - nope, not in the least. But for anyone who knows me, really knows me, they know that I won't just start out on some journey without a plan.

I'm a planner. For better or worse, in good times and in bad, I like to have a plan. I hate surprises, I hate the unexpected, and I hate not knowing. I realize the difficulty that all plays into real life. Life IS the unexpected, I get that. But for the rest of my days, I will still try to live my life with some sort of a road map in front of me.

Since accepting the blog challenge, I have sat and pondered what it is I will write about for 100 consecutive days. I could probably just 'wing it' (because we all know my brain is consumed with 1000s of random thoughts and opinions) but in all honesty, that is just not how I function. So here is my plan...

For the next 100 days, I will share the things I have learned. Some will be serious, some silly, some unexpected, and possibly even some that are harsh. I've already put a lot of thought into what I want to share, I will just need to find the right words.

So until then - enjoy your New Year's Eve! Be safe, be happy, be loved.

Say a little prayer...

2009-12-23T20:20:00.000-08:00

Writing this is a little more difficult than I ever imagined it would be. As I put the words onto the screen, I am still not sure I have what it takes to actually publish them.

You see - I am a VERY private person. I don't discuss my personal life with people. I keep everything all neatly tucked inside. I have lived 33 years this way, and I don't know that it has always worked the way I hoped, but that is just the way it has been. I don't want to become one of 'those' people. You know, 'those' people - the ones who are always complaining, who spill their troubles to everyone who will listen, who always seem to have a life full of turmoil and issues. And in writing this, am I then becoming one of the very people whom I can't stand? It is a fine line for me. One that I can't promise I won't completely erase if this proves to be too much for me.

You may ask, then, why am I spilling it now? Well, I have also lived 33 years not letting anyone actually get near the real me. You think I am kidding - I have lived here in San Antonio almost 4 years. There are only a couple people here who even know if I have siblings or my favorite color. Sad, but true. I talk a lot, I just don't talk about me.

Back to my point of writing this. I am scared. Yes, me, who keeps to herself, who carries the world on her shoulders, who seems so strong and pulled together - is absolutely positively petrified. I go for a tumor biopsy tomorrow.

To answer the questions that will follow (mainly because I do not wish to answer any questions) - I went, several months ago, to the doctor for an unrelated issue. He ran a full range of blood tests. My thyroid results came back all funky. They retested a month later, same results. They sent me to an endocrinologist. In between all the waiting, I begin to feel a lump in my neck. The endocrinologist ran more blood tests, nuclear tests and scans, and an ultrasound. Results - I have two tumors in my neck - one quite worrisome that requires a biopsy to see if it is cancerous.

This isn't my first dealings with cancer. I have dealt with skin cancer repeatedly since I was eighteen. I have also had two recent mammograms for a lump they have termed 'irregular breast tissue', and can not determine what exactly it is. But for some reason, I find this to be much more terrifying.

Please let me make one thing very clear. I am not writing this for your sympathy. I don't want a wave of well wishes, I don't want you to feel sad for me, I don't want you to change the way to talk to me or treat me. If you feel the need to do something - if you believe in prayer, then say a little prayer for me. If you don't believe in prayer, then quietly just wish me luck. There is nothing more that I need, I promise. You have done enough already just by listening and letting me say what needed to be said.

I really just wanted to get it off my chest. Maybe if I release a little of the weight it bears upon me, then I can breathe again.

Opening up...

2009-12-23T20:05:00.000-08:00

I can honestly say I never thought I would be sharing my thoughts and feelings so freely with strangers. I'm just not 'that person'. I will make this very clear from the start. This blog is for me, it isn't for you. I realize that seriously conflicts with the whole point of a blog, and the fact that it is open for all to read, but it is my fair warning to you anyway...

I make no apologies if you are offended, or if your feelings get hurt. I'm not writing this to make friends or to gain attention to myself. I honestly am just writing to write. You get to be the lucky recipient of the garbage spewed from my brain at any given moment. I may make you laugh, cry, or even get angry. But I am not afraid of who I am, and if you care to share in my thoughts and feelings, you will have to live with that as well. As many of you know, I am full of opinions, thoughts, and feelings on most any subject. My brain also doesn't operate in a normal manner, or like most other people's. I understand those things, hopefully you will come to understand them too.

(This came off sounding a little more harsh than I intended it to, oops.... )

So - enjoy my life and my thoughts.