What I Have Learned - Take Twenty-Six

I have learned that divorce changes the parent/child dynamic - sometimes unfairly.

The other day I heard the dreaded words "I want to go live with my Dad". Never before have any words hurt quite so deeply. I was stunned, shocked, disappointed, hurt, and pretty much devastated on every level. The circumstances surrounding this comment made it all the worse.

My oldest son's grades had dropped at school. He is in eighth grade, in all honors and GT classes. His grades have always been straight A's with one or two B's thrown in along the way. Suddenly, they dropped. And the reason for the drop - zeros in assignments. His test grades are high A's, but his homework grade consists of big fat ZEROS.

I'm a very strict Mom. School work is a priority, straight A's expected. And there are serious consequences for behavior or grade issues. So after my son received a C on his report card, he lost his cell phone for six weeks (the entire marking period). We talked about the importance of school, how he was receiving high school credits this year, and how these grades would ultimately determine his college career.

Anyway, back to my crushing conversation. My son wants to go live with his Dad because grades aren't important there. His Dad has never seen the value in an education, gifted classes, honors courses, or grades. My kids know this very well. So because I care, because I am forced to be the bad guy, my son wants to go live with his Dad.

I am twice divorced. I have two children from my first marriage, three from my second. Neither of the men made good Fathers. For the most part, they were absent parents even when we were married. Neither of them was cut out to be a parent, not a decent one anyway.

But since the divorces, they have been given a new opportunity with their kids. They no longer have to be a 'parent', they get to be the 'friend'. They get to take them to the movies, amusement parks, condos on the beach, vacation places. They get to do all the fun things, all the playful things. They have all the fun with none of the responsibility. It is a better fitting role for both of them. Where as they made awful parents, they make pretty good friends for their kids.

But for me, I am left with all the responsibility. I will always have to be the one to deal with homework and chores, problems and issues. I get to not just be a single parent, but the ONLY parent. I have never minded my role. I know that given the alternative, my kids are better off with me being the one driving them, helping them succeed. I have helped them create goals and expectations for themselves, given them confidence and courage. Their Fathers would not be the best for that 'job'.

But for all I do, for all my sacrifices, for all my dedication - my kids are still only kids. They don't see the big picture, they only see the now. And the now paints me out to be the bad guy. When they are on the receiving end of the negative consequences, they only see the greener pastures on the other side of the field.

I was prepared for a lot of things in my divorce. I was prepared to be the only parent. I was prepared to have to shoulder all the responsibility. I was prepared to have be be the bad guy, even. But I was never prepared to chance losing my kids over caring too much.