I have learned that you do not always get the people you think you want in your life, instead you get the people you need.
It has been almost a year since I have written publicly, at least in this forum. Not because I didn't have anything to share. I just didn't come here to write.
Quick review of my year - good times, bad times, happy times, sad times, trips, holidays, jobs, new things, old things, new people, old people, my past, my future, my here and now. Caught up - good.
I'm really in a bad place right now. I will keep those details to myself, except to make my 'I have learned' point. I've had changes, and heartbreak, sadness, and betrayal. It may be my biggest lesson in not having the people in your life that you think you may want. If those people were really that important to, and for, your life, you would never have to go looking for them, because they would be right by your side - for all time.
But then you have the people in your life you need. I am blessed with some of the most caring, selfless, kind friends imaginable. My best friend can listen for hours as I spill my heart, cry, yell. She knows the best balance between saying 'I understand', keeping silent, and playing the devil's advocate. She is always, I mean ALWAYS there for me. Sad part - she lives 1400 miles away.
Move closer to home - I have some of the most amazing people in my life here. I can call a certain friend, ask her what her weekend plans are, and her answer is always, "Would you like to join me?". I can go months without seeing or speaking to her, and if I call, her response is still the same. She is one of the most stunning people I know. Yet I think sometimes, it is lost on her. Because the most beautiful qualities about her, are those you can't see from the outside. She has literally changed my life by the outstretching of her hand towards me. I will be forever grateful she came into my life when she did.
One of the other amazing women in my life just radiates. One of the things I love most about her is her love for family. Over the years, I have seen her dedicate her time, her self, and her love to her family. Selflessly and completely. She has a Mother's Love, without yet being a Mother. I can sit and talk to her for hours, and walk away just feeling better, happier, brighter. She makes my heart smile.
I also have some wonderful online friends, who may not even realize how deeply they touch my life. A simple message sending hugs and special thoughts, a long conversation sharing stories and insight, prayers sent when things aren't going well. The few moments they take out of their day for me, will forever live in my heart.
There are not adequate words to express my appreciation to those who have touched my life. But I have come to realize I have been given these people because I NEED them. I didn't find them because I was looking, I didn't come across them by wanting them. They happened in my life, because my heart needed them.
And I am forever blessed....
Monday, October 24, 2011
Wednesday, December 8, 2010
What I Have Learned - Take Forty-Three
I have learned that sometimes all you can do is say 'I tried'.
Oh the many ways I could continue this post. I giggle as I write this because normally my posts have hidden meanings, and emotional feelings, and sappy endings. I could probably tie this to some portion of my life to make it thoughtful and sentimental. Uncharacteristically of me though, this is only about my petty annoyance for the month.
Because it is late, and no one is probably reading this for the stupid details - I will make it a short story. My neighborhood HOA has been without a Social Committee for 9 months. Not for lack of volunteers, but more for lack of actually calling upon those who have continually volunteered - myself being one of them. After being called out at our annual meeting for this issue, the HOA comprised a list of all such volunteers and sent out a mass email. According to their email, we were to meet, elect a Chair, and submit that name to the Board for approval. I contacted everyone on the list, held a meeting, asked for volunteers for Chair, stepped up since no one else wanted to, and we submitted my name to the Board. In the meantime we began planning a Christmas Party. I submitted a budget to the Board for the party, went back and forth with them about what they wanted vs. what we, as a Committee, wanted. Long story short, because my ideas differed from the Board's, I was told 'your services are no longer needed - we have appointed someone else as Chair and they will take over planning the party'. And seriously, what it came down to was the Board wanted to purchase a cheap Santa suit at Walgreens for $12.99, and I wanted to get a nicer one.
Anyway.... So after a month of spending way more time than I needed to, waaaaaaaay more time than I intended to, and waaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaay more time than I even had - I was relieved from my volunteer duties. I am angry, bitter, and more than a little frustrated.
And all I can say is 'I tried....'
Oh the many ways I could continue this post. I giggle as I write this because normally my posts have hidden meanings, and emotional feelings, and sappy endings. I could probably tie this to some portion of my life to make it thoughtful and sentimental. Uncharacteristically of me though, this is only about my petty annoyance for the month.
Because it is late, and no one is probably reading this for the stupid details - I will make it a short story. My neighborhood HOA has been without a Social Committee for 9 months. Not for lack of volunteers, but more for lack of actually calling upon those who have continually volunteered - myself being one of them. After being called out at our annual meeting for this issue, the HOA comprised a list of all such volunteers and sent out a mass email. According to their email, we were to meet, elect a Chair, and submit that name to the Board for approval. I contacted everyone on the list, held a meeting, asked for volunteers for Chair, stepped up since no one else wanted to, and we submitted my name to the Board. In the meantime we began planning a Christmas Party. I submitted a budget to the Board for the party, went back and forth with them about what they wanted vs. what we, as a Committee, wanted. Long story short, because my ideas differed from the Board's, I was told 'your services are no longer needed - we have appointed someone else as Chair and they will take over planning the party'. And seriously, what it came down to was the Board wanted to purchase a cheap Santa suit at Walgreens for $12.99, and I wanted to get a nicer one.
Anyway.... So after a month of spending way more time than I needed to, waaaaaaaay more time than I intended to, and waaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaay more time than I even had - I was relieved from my volunteer duties. I am angry, bitter, and more than a little frustrated.
And all I can say is 'I tried....'
What I Have Learned - Take Forty-Two
I have learned that I miss writing.
Long ago, in a galaxy far away.... Well, okay - it was long ago, but it wasn't necessarily a galaxy far away. Anyway... I used to write, a lot. I wrote short stories, I wrote poems, I wrote letters, I wrote just to write. I enjoyed it tremendously. I even considered becoming an author at one time. Somehow over the years I began to write less and less, until I stopped all together. Now I have to admit - I really miss it.
Writing has a way of clearing my mind, putting my thoughts at ease. So much garbage swirls around in my head, that sometimes if I can just put it on paper, it makes my brain a little less cluttered. And I can assure you - a less cluttered brain is ALWAYS a good thing.
So I am going to write. Maybe here, maybe there, maybe everywhere. For now, all I know is that my brain needs space, and this is the only way I know how to give it what it needs...
Long ago, in a galaxy far away.... Well, okay - it was long ago, but it wasn't necessarily a galaxy far away. Anyway... I used to write, a lot. I wrote short stories, I wrote poems, I wrote letters, I wrote just to write. I enjoyed it tremendously. I even considered becoming an author at one time. Somehow over the years I began to write less and less, until I stopped all together. Now I have to admit - I really miss it.
Writing has a way of clearing my mind, putting my thoughts at ease. So much garbage swirls around in my head, that sometimes if I can just put it on paper, it makes my brain a little less cluttered. And I can assure you - a less cluttered brain is ALWAYS a good thing.
So I am going to write. Maybe here, maybe there, maybe everywhere. For now, all I know is that my brain needs space, and this is the only way I know how to give it what it needs...
Friday, June 18, 2010
What I Have Learned - Take Forty-One
I have learned that sometimes I need to just look at the moment.
We all know I am a planner. I like a clear path, a marked journey. I like things to make sense and be what they are supposed to be. I am certainly not someone who is comfortable 'winging it'. I need order. I need to know. We all know that my life has not exactly fit into that very well. That is how the phrase 'just another day in my life...' came to be. Because really, isn't it ALWAYS something?
In the book I am reading, there are some wonderfully inspirational parts. But there is one part that really hits close to home. A woman is at this amazing location, and her thoughts are 'wow, I can't wait to come back here one day'. But she is missing the fact that she is THERE, right now. She is so focused on the future, that she fails to see the day she is in, the moment she is in. Reading that passage made me cry. True from my soul, cry. I am that person. In almost every aspect of my life.
I spend so much of my life worrying about the future, planning for tomorrow, concerned with what will or may happen. More of my sentences begin with the future tense, than the present. 'Tomorrow I will...', seldom 'Right now I am....'. My first question when I am on vacation, even, is 'so what will we plan for the rest of the week?'. I am always looking forward.
But how much am I missing out on right now? How much worry has invaded my mind, my body, my heart, my soul - that I have let it overtake who I am? I know I can't completely change being a planner, just by reading some words in a book. I will likely always have the need to know. I'm sure I will peek at the ending of a book, or look up the ending of a movie. But maybe, just maybe, I can soften that need a little bit. Perhaps I can concentrate on what is happening today, instead of worrying so much about what will happen tomorrow.
What I Have Learned - Take Forty
I have learned that I can finally breathe.
Let me first warn you, I am a bit emotional today. I don't know why, I just woke up that way. Maybe it is the book I am reading, maybe it is being alone in the house, maybe it's just a Friday thing.
I feel as if there has just been this huge weight lifted off of my chest. For the longest time, mainly the past year, I have felt as if i just couldn't catch my breath. This past year has been agonizing for me. I have visited the lowest of the lows, the darkest depths of my soul, the bottomless misery of my heart. It has been a treacherous journey, through which most of it I have felt buried in a deep hole unable to see the light. I've cried, I have ached, I have bellowed in my sorrows. I've been reaching for the shore, desperate to find my way, all the while my head barely above water.
Thursday, June 10, 2010
What I Have Learned - Take Thirty-Nine
I have learned that sometimes I am totally, and completely, helpless.
This past March we had our worst (hopefully worst ever, and never have to go through anything like it) flight experience. My kids were flying home from Florida, where their Father lives. They sent me a text message telling me they were on board and getting ready for take-off. I told them I loved them, see them in a little while, and hope their flight went well. I got in my truck and was on my way to the airport. Their flight usually takes about the same time amount of time as me getting to the airport, getting my pass to the gate, going through security, and getting settled at the gate. I like to be sure I am there in plenty of time, so I will always be the first thing they see when they get off the plane.
As I get into the airport parking garage, I receive a text from my son. A text. From my son. The one who is supposed to be in-flight on his way here. I read the text, it said 'we are at the airport'. I thought 'WHAT?'. I texted him back and asked what he was talking about. He said they had to come back to the airport, something was wrong with the plane, they had to make an emergency landing. My heart sank. I couldn't breathe. Tears just filled my eyes. Words I never thought I would hear, couldn't have imagined hearing, yet here they were 'there is something wrong with the plane' followed by the words 'emergency landing'.
I ran into the airport, went straight to the ticketing counter. The woman, not so politely, told me I needed to get in line and pointed to the line of about 20 people. I, in a very panicked way, told her I received a text from my son saying there was something wrong with his plane and they had to make an emergency landing. I needed information. I wasn't moving, I think she may have sensed that. She brought me to another computer terminal and asked for the flight information. All her computer showed was that the plane had taken off and returned to the airport for 'mechanical difficulties'. She had no further information. No further information. Nothing.
I got my pass and went through security, hoping maybe someone at the gates would have more information. Something, anything. My kids thankfully had their cell phones. They had no information other than they were being let off the plane because it needed to be checked out. Their Father had already left the airport. They were there, alone, and afraid. And here I was, 1400 miles away, unable to help them, unable to comfort them, unable to even BE with them.
I kept checking with the gate attendants, no further information. The kids weren't being told anything. I had never felt so helpless in my entire life. My kids were hungry, and sadly, had no cash on them. I asked the people at the gate if there was any way I could charge food for them over the phone, have one of their agents in Florida explain the situation to one of the food establishments. Their answer 'no'. Finally a sweet family saw the kids alone and gave them money. I told the kids to get their name and address and I would send them back the money, they graciously refused repayment.
About an hour passed. We finally got word that they were sending another plane for them. Eventually, that other plane arrived, picked up my children, and safely delivered them to me here in San Antonio. The kids were almost four hours late arriving. Four hours of pure hell. Four hours I never wish to repeat, for as long as I live.
I thank God my children made it home safely that day. I am thankful my children had their cell phones. I am thankful for perfect strangers who saw kids in need and opened their hearts, and wallets, and came to their rescue.
But I still cry when I think about that day. My children were in trouble, miles away, and there was absolutely nothing I could do to fix the situation. I am their Mother, I am supposed to be able to protect my children and take care of them. I am supposed to ALWAYS be able to make things better. But that day I learned a difficult lesson, it doesn't always work that way. And on that March afternoon, I was totally, and completely, helpless.
This past March we had our worst (hopefully worst ever, and never have to go through anything like it) flight experience. My kids were flying home from Florida, where their Father lives. They sent me a text message telling me they were on board and getting ready for take-off. I told them I loved them, see them in a little while, and hope their flight went well. I got in my truck and was on my way to the airport. Their flight usually takes about the same time amount of time as me getting to the airport, getting my pass to the gate, going through security, and getting settled at the gate. I like to be sure I am there in plenty of time, so I will always be the first thing they see when they get off the plane.
As I get into the airport parking garage, I receive a text from my son. A text. From my son. The one who is supposed to be in-flight on his way here. I read the text, it said 'we are at the airport'. I thought 'WHAT?'. I texted him back and asked what he was talking about. He said they had to come back to the airport, something was wrong with the plane, they had to make an emergency landing. My heart sank. I couldn't breathe. Tears just filled my eyes. Words I never thought I would hear, couldn't have imagined hearing, yet here they were 'there is something wrong with the plane' followed by the words 'emergency landing'.
I ran into the airport, went straight to the ticketing counter. The woman, not so politely, told me I needed to get in line and pointed to the line of about 20 people. I, in a very panicked way, told her I received a text from my son saying there was something wrong with his plane and they had to make an emergency landing. I needed information. I wasn't moving, I think she may have sensed that. She brought me to another computer terminal and asked for the flight information. All her computer showed was that the plane had taken off and returned to the airport for 'mechanical difficulties'. She had no further information. No further information. Nothing.
I got my pass and went through security, hoping maybe someone at the gates would have more information. Something, anything. My kids thankfully had their cell phones. They had no information other than they were being let off the plane because it needed to be checked out. Their Father had already left the airport. They were there, alone, and afraid. And here I was, 1400 miles away, unable to help them, unable to comfort them, unable to even BE with them.
I kept checking with the gate attendants, no further information. The kids weren't being told anything. I had never felt so helpless in my entire life. My kids were hungry, and sadly, had no cash on them. I asked the people at the gate if there was any way I could charge food for them over the phone, have one of their agents in Florida explain the situation to one of the food establishments. Their answer 'no'. Finally a sweet family saw the kids alone and gave them money. I told the kids to get their name and address and I would send them back the money, they graciously refused repayment.
About an hour passed. We finally got word that they were sending another plane for them. Eventually, that other plane arrived, picked up my children, and safely delivered them to me here in San Antonio. The kids were almost four hours late arriving. Four hours of pure hell. Four hours I never wish to repeat, for as long as I live.
I thank God my children made it home safely that day. I am thankful my children had their cell phones. I am thankful for perfect strangers who saw kids in need and opened their hearts, and wallets, and came to their rescue.
But I still cry when I think about that day. My children were in trouble, miles away, and there was absolutely nothing I could do to fix the situation. I am their Mother, I am supposed to be able to protect my children and take care of them. I am supposed to ALWAYS be able to make things better. But that day I learned a difficult lesson, it doesn't always work that way. And on that March afternoon, I was totally, and completely, helpless.
What I Have Learned - Take Thirty-Eight
I have learned that it never gets easier to put them on that airplane.
My two oldest children go to visit their Father in Florida for visitation when school is not in session. They go every Spring Break, every Summer, every other Thanksgiving, and a week at Christmas. I've been divorced for ten years, but have only had to do the out of state visitation thing for the past four years.
My kids were 8 and 10 the first time I had to put them on a plane by themselves. It was heart-wrenching. It was scary. It was just plain horrible. I sat at the gate once the plane took off and cried, and cried, and cried. I clung to my phone waiting for word that they arrived safely to their destination. Once I received those sweet words 'We made it, Mom', I cried some more.
Four years later, and it hasn't gotten any easier. I get all mushy and sentimental as I kiss them goodbye, I send them 'I love you' texts once they board the plane, I say a prayer as I look out to their plane on the runway. I don't break down quite as much when the plane leaves my sight, but the tears are still welled up in my eyes. I still clutch my phone waiting for word they have landed safely.
Thankfully, the kids arrived safely in Florida this afternoon without incident. That airplane held two of the most precious things on it today, two pieces of my heart. I have such a difficult time with the kids leaving for several weeks, how in the world will I ever let them go away to college, move out, start lives of their own? It never really does get easier does it??
My two oldest children go to visit their Father in Florida for visitation when school is not in session. They go every Spring Break, every Summer, every other Thanksgiving, and a week at Christmas. I've been divorced for ten years, but have only had to do the out of state visitation thing for the past four years.
My kids were 8 and 10 the first time I had to put them on a plane by themselves. It was heart-wrenching. It was scary. It was just plain horrible. I sat at the gate once the plane took off and cried, and cried, and cried. I clung to my phone waiting for word that they arrived safely to their destination. Once I received those sweet words 'We made it, Mom', I cried some more.
Four years later, and it hasn't gotten any easier. I get all mushy and sentimental as I kiss them goodbye, I send them 'I love you' texts once they board the plane, I say a prayer as I look out to their plane on the runway. I don't break down quite as much when the plane leaves my sight, but the tears are still welled up in my eyes. I still clutch my phone waiting for word they have landed safely.
Thankfully, the kids arrived safely in Florida this afternoon without incident. That airplane held two of the most precious things on it today, two pieces of my heart. I have such a difficult time with the kids leaving for several weeks, how in the world will I ever let them go away to college, move out, start lives of their own? It never really does get easier does it??
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