Say a little prayer...

Writing this is a little more difficult than I ever imagined it would be. As I put the words onto the screen, I am still not sure I have what it takes to actually publish them.

You see - I am a VERY private person. I don't discuss my personal life with people. I keep everything all neatly tucked inside. I have lived 33 years this way, and I don't know that it has always worked the way I hoped, but that is just the way it has been. I don't want to become one of 'those' people. You know, 'those' people - the ones who are always complaining, who spill their troubles to everyone who will listen, who always seem to have a life full of turmoil and issues. And in writing this, am I then becoming one of the very people whom I can't stand? It is a fine line for me. One that I can't promise I won't completely erase if this proves to be too much for me.

You may ask, then, why am I spilling it now? Well, I have also lived 33 years not letting anyone actually get near the real me. You think I am kidding - I have lived here in San Antonio almost 4 years. There are only a couple people here who even know if I have siblings or my favorite color. Sad, but true. I talk a lot, I just don't talk about me.

Back to my point of writing this. I am scared. Yes, me, who keeps to herself, who carries the world on her shoulders, who seems so strong and pulled together - is absolutely positively petrified. I go for a tumor biopsy tomorrow.

To answer the questions that will follow (mainly because I do not wish to answer any questions) - I went, several months ago, to the doctor for an unrelated issue. He ran a full range of blood tests. My thyroid results came back all funky. They retested a month later, same results. They sent me to an endocrinologist. In between all the waiting, I begin to feel a lump in my neck. The endocrinologist ran more blood tests, nuclear tests and scans, and an ultrasound. Results - I have two tumors in my neck - one quite worrisome that requires a biopsy to see if it is cancerous.

This isn't my first dealings with cancer. I have dealt with skin cancer repeatedly since I was eighteen. I have also had two recent mammograms for a lump they have termed 'irregular breast tissue', and can not determine what exactly it is. But for some reason, I find this to be much more terrifying.

Please let me make one thing very clear. I am not writing this for your sympathy. I don't want a wave of well wishes, I don't want you to feel sad for me, I don't want you to change the way to talk to me or treat me. If you feel the need to do something - if you believe in prayer, then say a little prayer for me. If you don't believe in prayer, then quietly just wish me luck. There is nothing more that I need, I promise. You have done enough already just by listening and letting me say what needed to be said.

I really just wanted to get it off my chest. Maybe if I release a little of the weight it bears upon me, then I can breathe again.