What I Have Learned - Take Five

Disclaimer - Today has been an extremely difficult day for me. I probably should have skipped writing today, but decided to go ahead with it. Be forewarned the following may be filled with deep emotion.

I have learned that I need someone for me.

I have always been a very strong and independent person. I have relied very little on others. In high school I wasn't interested in cliques. I was friends with those I liked, and not friends with those I did not. My friendships included people from every circle, every social class, every different variety of people. I had many acquaintances, very few close friends. I never wanted to play the 'fake game'. I started college at 16, married at 18, my first born at 20.

Through all those years, I never had anyone really close to me. I have had the same best friend my entire adult life, and honestly, for decades, my only friend. My marriage wasn't filled with love and ended six years later. Through those six years there was no partnership in my house. I carried the weight of being a woman, a wife, and a mother. And even through the failure of my marriage, I never reached out to anyone.

I married again and had three more beautiful children. My husband worked 90 hours a week - he was never home. I wore the hat of woman, wife, mother. And again, I wore it alone.

Everything in my life, from my pregnancies to my medical issues, college to jobs, raising children to taking care of a home. Every positive aspect of my life, every sad situation, every happy moment, every heartbreak - all of them I have faced alone.

I felt strong enough to carry the weights and the burdens on my shoulders. I knew I could do it. I know I had to do it. People depended on me, they needed me. I had to be strong, I had to be sure, I had to be confident. So I put on a smile, took care of my responsibilities, and quietly kept my feelings and emotions inside.

After my second marriage ended, I realized something. I realized I needed someone for me. I needed someone to be there to talk to, laugh with, open up to, share with. I needed someone to be my strength when I am weak. I needed someone to listen to me, hold me, be there for me. This person can actually be a single person, or a collection of people. A significant other, a best friend, a group of acquaintances.

I'm tired of going through my life alone. I am tired of bearing the brunt of everything by myself. I am tired of the world resting on my shoulders. I may not need a husband, or provider, or financial partner in those terms, but I need someone for me.