What I Have Learned - Take Thirty-Five

I have learned that when it rains, it pours...

So today, probably goes down as one of the worst days in a long time.  And considering the year I have had, that is really saying a lot.  These past 400 days or so (because my shitty year has gone beyond a year now) have been unbelievably awful.  If I were to list all the things that have happened, it would sound so absurd, you would undoubtedly question the truthfulness of such a list.

Yet, I can assure you, it is all very real.

I know that lately I have not written much here, and most of my posts before were very sad and depressing.  I apologize, and understand anyone choosing not to read my blog anymore.  But as I said in the very beginning of all this, I write here more for me, than for those who are reading it.  And after today, I really need a place to call my own.

I never wanted to be the person who lets things get to them.  I wanted to be the one people looked at and said 'wow, she really has it together'.  I tried very hard to outwardly be that person.  Then I started blogging.  There was some part of me that felt better after letting it out, releasing some of the emotion.  But now I regret letting so much of it out.  Because I have become 'that person', the one who doesn't have it all together.  The one who barely has her head above water sometimes.  The one who cries, and mourns, and worries.  The one who seems to let the world get to her, instead of being able to just brush off the bad.  This isn't who I want to be, but it's not just raining in my world, it's pouring.  And I am standing out in it without an umbrella, without rain boots, without so much as a jacket.