What I Have Learned - Take Thirty-Six

I have learned that it is time for some self-reflection.

It is my 34th Birthday this week.  I have no problem with turning thirty-four, it's all just a number anyway.  But with a birthday, always comes some self-reflection.

Probably not the best time to be looking in the figurative mirror.  Crappy week, crappy year.  So first thing I notice, I am not getting any younger.  Thankfully, I am not so worried about my biological clock, I'm finished having children.  Thank goodness that is something good checked off my list.  I do, however, notice a few gray hairs here and there, and some fine lines becoming a little less fine.  A good hair colorist and wrinkle cream and I can help with those issues.  I'm still trying to lose the fifteen pounds that have somehow decided to stay since I turned thirty.  But since dieting, nor exercising, top my to-do list lately, I can really only blame myself for their adherence to my butt.  One day I may find the gym again, but by that time I will probably be way too old to even think of showing any skin anyway, so we won't  dwell on that so much either.

I look at my lack of a career.  I don't know I can truly regret where I am, knowing how I got here.  I was well on my way to a successful accounting career when I became a Mom.  Baby #1 was in and out of the hospital as an infant, and I had to make a choice - job or Mom.  I chose Mom.  From that point on, being a Mom just seemed to be more important than being a career woman.  I dedicated myself to five little ones.  I poured all my time and effort into them.  I believe you can do both, but not to the degree that you can do one or the other.  My opinion, of course.  And honestly, I have enjoyed my 'jobs' I have held along the way.  Of course, a little more money wouldn't hurt...

That brings me to my kids.  Tough week for self-reflection there.  We seem to be hitting a little bit of a Middle School bump, and the terrible threes, and sibling rivalry, and, well, the list could go on.  I've always been unbelievably proud of the people they are.  They are intelligent, kind, caring, and determined.  For now, with all the bumps in the road, I will just close my eyes, say a little prayer, and hope it is all just a stage.  I still believe in them, so maybe that will count for something.

My financial stability...  Hahahahahaha.  I own (loosely termed as the bank technically owns) my own home.  I have minimal credit card debt.  I have lots of outstanding medical bills.  I have zero savings.  Not the billboard for financially sound, not the billboard for financially unsound.  I will take it for now.

My friends...  I'm in a very odd place when it comes to friendships.  I have a best girl friend.  She lives in Florida and I talk to her daily, yet I have only seen her once in four years.  She is wonderful to vent and open up to, but of course I never get to spend any time with her. I have gone out with another friend of mine here on several occasions, and we have had some really great times. I've tried to become more social, more open to other friendships, but it doesn't seem to take, I guess.  I think sometimes my life is in such a different place, that it separates me so much from others.

My love life... I believe in marriage. I want the white picket fence, the home life, the happily ever after.  I believe in love.  I believe that what was meant to be will be.  I believe in the promise of a bright, happy future.

My health... Right now I have more questions than answers in the health department.  I feel like I suddenly got to a point and my body decided it was going to work against me.  I have always had migraines and skin cancer, but the past year added more to my mix.  Appendicitis, breast lumps, thyroid failure, tumors, bleeding disorders, funky blood counts, lung infections, depression, and I'm sure I forgot several others.  I've seen the doctor more times in the past year, than my entire adult life combined (not counting prenatal care for my kids).  I'm not exaggerating, God's honest truth.  I still don't have any answers, not for any of it.  Each day it is something new, something different.  The best I can do now is say a little prayer and hope for the best.

As for the rest of what makes up my life, some is good, some not so good, some pretty awful.  I have two ex-husbands.  Enough said there.  My immediate family all now lives within a few blocks of each other.  Again, there is some really good, and some not-so-good with that.  I have a nifty new washing machine.  Trivial, I know, but it is the largest capacity available, and that is definitely a mark in the positive tally of the scoreboard of my life.  My faith - tested daily.  Luckily, still there.  I probably need to focus and rely a little more on that now and again.  

So when I wake up Thursday morning to the start of being thirty-four, will I be where I want to be? No.  But if we were ever where we wanted to be, what use would it be to continue on our journey?